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Autism: Amazing Day!

26 Sep

What an amazingly wonderful morning I have had!

Okay, I don’t write posts like this very often, but every once in a while what I do matches up with who I am, and this is what it feels like!

It is September. I love September! I have mentioned that in the past, and I will say it again. This is my favourite time of the year… yet… is it dissatisfaction to say I always wish I were still a child starting school at this time of the year? I don’t mean kind of wish I was a child, or kind of wish I were starting school – but really, truly.

me at 7

Though I look it, and try hard to speak it, and try so hard to fit into the world that way, I don’t really feel like an adult. I don’t mean I wish to go back to my childhood – no way! That would be horrible. And I imagine that many children struggle, and childhood isn’t always what we idealize it as. Childhood can be hard! I can attest to that.

Children, however, are so full of potential. They haven’t failed yet. They could grow and learn and do and be anything. It is as we grow that the world folds in on us, and puts us in this little box – and if we spill over the sides, or we don’t quite fit right, or the box tears at the edges, we are told we have failed. And that potential that we are born with is reduced to lies and labels that others place on us, or that we place on ourselves.

  • Liar
  • loser
  • failure
  • broken
  • evil

And the chance to be, or to do, or even to try again is taken from us. And we are compared to others who are better than us. Why do we have to be compared? Why can’t we just learn on our own time, at our own pace? Not failures – just… not masters yet. Yet. Not forever. We can learn. We can grow. Let us out of the box. Give us a chance. I wish I were still a child.

It isn’t even exactly like I would like to be going to school – with its forced learning, on external schedules, and being tested and compared to others in the group. Again, why do we have to compare? Why does it have to be a competition? I am not them. They are not me. Why do we have to learn the same?

But provide the materials – the books, the games, the crafts… let me choose what I want to learn, and when I want to learn it. Their tests won’t tell what I know (only how much I could memorize for a short period of time.) They won’t show what I am interested in, or what makes me happy. They won’t show who I am. Don’t put me in a box – let me grow. Let me soar!

Today is Monday, September 5th, 2016. It is Labour Day in Canada. A holiday, and the day before school starts for the kids. But who says I can’t learn and grow on a holiday? It is September, and I was eager to learn. So I took out my books this morning, and began. Though I tried to plan, this morning I didn’t go with the plan. Instead, I took out one book, which led to another activity, and another.

As I write this, it is just after 12pm. I took my dog out, and fed her breakfast. I had a nutritional shake for breakfast, plus some tea and a homemade larabar later on. I went outside, and pruned our huge maple tree so that it wasn’t hanging low over the road.

In between all of that, I took out the materials I already had at home, and learned. And this is what I did:

  • Christian Devotional (“Lord, I Want to Know You” by Kay Arthur)
  • Calligraphy
  • Latin (Latina Christiana – or Latin for Christians)
  • Grammar (Harvey’s Elementary Grammar)
  • Reading music for my keyboard (Music in Me – Level 3)
  • Spanish (Duolingo)
  • Writing (this is my third blog post this morning.)
  • Dreaming (this should be a subject.)

Even with all of that, I had time to:

  • think (so many ideas went through my head this morning. I love that!)
  • laugh at my dog, and take her outside a few times
  • listen to classical music and nature sounds
  • check my email
  • read through Facebook

And after all of that, I still want to:

  • ride my exercise bike
  • go swimming
  • go for a walk
  • do a craft or other activity

Not that I will. The pool is closed today, and it is raining outside. Still I want to. That means that what I have done so far doesn’t feel overwhelming to me. In fact, I feel so good, I could do more. I could even, maybe, visit with someone! Amazing!

If I were a child, this would be enough. Since I am on disability, and only because I am on disability, I can do these things that are so healthy for my mental and emotional state. But why, I ask, is this way to spend my time not valued so much as if I were, say, out in a factory making buttons? Or going to school, and getting a degree? Or standing in a store selling…? Only because I am not paid for it. But who determines the value of what people do anyway?

So many things that people do for money are just pointless activities creating things just to make money. Where is the value in that? I can’t live like that. For me, learning… learning is life, and what I am doing here is of more value than anything that I could do out there. And that is why I wish I were a child. And this is who I am. And that is what made this morning so amazing!

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One response to “Autism: Amazing Day!

  1. kazst

    September 26, 2016 at 5:14 pm

    I feel the same way!

    Liked by 1 person

     

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