Though I tried very hard, still I could not think. I read my devotional without an issue – but then it was mostly reading. I was able to get through penmanship, but then that is just copying. I did my grammar, but it was just answering simple questions, which I learned in grade school to do. Then I got to Latin.
It was a review lesson, and the work up until this point has not been difficult. Still I was unable to think. I couldn’t even translate one simple word, my anxiety was so bad. Not one. Not difficult stuff, but I couldn’t do it.
The reason? I had to go out that night.
Not an unusual place. Not with new people. It was a potluck dinner, but I had already planned to eat ahead of time. I did have to bring a dessert, but it was not something new, or difficult. Just so, so anxious. It is always hard on me when I have to go somewhere, but this was a bit much even for me… at least for an evening that is pretty much routine through the year. True, we took a break for about four months, but I still saw them in church most weeks. It shouldn’t have been so hard, but it was.
I couldn’t think. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t do any cleaning. Even the very things that calm me became impossible at that level of anxiety.
So maybe it wasn’t just that I had to go out that night.
Think again. Analyze again. Take it apart, and make the picture bigger. Look at it in context. Of course I would have been anxious about that night:
- First time in months.
- Potluck dinner.
- Not eating with the group (eating would have been worse, but still.)
- Bringing a dessert.
- Leaving my house.
Each of those things individually cause me anxiety. Together, of course they would cause high anxiety. Even still, there must have been more. Look bigger.
- First time leaving my dog since her spay 10 days prior.
- One day after the anniversary of the day ‘my children’ were taken.
- Dark, rainy days.
- Frequent upset stomach in the days leading up to this (struggling with food again!)
- Frequent headaches (mostly from the weather.)
Okay. So all of these things, for me, are huge. Together? Too much. The moment is beginning to make sense, but might there be anything more?
- I have been completely fixated… perseverating… overwhelmed by my house, and the needed renovations.
- My mind feels like it is about to snap as I try to make sense of all the losses in recent years.
- My mom was planning to phone the next day (a good thing, as it is years between visits, and I like to talk to her, but… phones!)
- My upcoming birthday tomorrow (September 25) which is always a time of reflection.
And now I pretty much understand why I couldn’t understand my simple Latin lesson. Autism: There is always so much going on under the surface. So much more than what is actually seen.