Autism: Vicious Cycle

21 Oct

This week I have been filled with… anxiety, irritation, depression, despair. I suppose it doesn’t help that in order to deal with these issues, I start eating and drinking things that aren’t especially good for me: Gluten, dairy, caffeinated pop, cappuccino, meat even. Though I know these foods aren’t good for me, and I know they will at the very least increase my anxiety and irritation levels, there are times I just can’t seem to help myself.

While I technically know that these foods wreak havoc on my emotional stability, the challenge is that when I am struggling emotionally, most of the foods that are good for me end up leaving me nauseous. This not only after I have eaten them, but at the very thought of eating them. So what do I do?

It is strange that the very foods that I know I am intolerant to are the ones that settle my stomach the best. Well… dairy not so much, but it happens to be easy, and go with many of my favourite foods. The meat? It is more that it is what my family are eating, and even then I am strongly limited by what I like (which isn’t much) and then I feel bad for eating it. So why do I?

I suppose it is likely true for most people that we eat healthiest when we are feeling our best. But when I am struggling so much just to find reasons to keep living, how can I then find the energy to care that I am not eating well? Priorities. I realize that eating healthy will eventually help me emotionally, but it is just too much in those moments – and as I said, eating like that initially leaves me feeling sick. It is a vicious cycle. One in which I actually have to be healthy, to eat healthy, so I can be healthy… you see?

Perhaps it would help if the foods that were actually good for me were cheap and easy to make. True, fruit is easy – but when I feel like this, I am really too tired to eat fruit. Plus it leaves me feeling hungrier, and with stronger cravings for those foods I shouldn’t eat. Nuts are easy, and tasty, but they are expensive. Vegetables are good, but take a lot of prep time.

If there was, say, a tray of cut fruit, vegetables, nuts… healthy foods prepared and in front of me, I would likely eat that. But that is rarely the case. I could buy these things in the store, but the cost is prohibitive. So when I am feeling okay, I will go and buy the fruits and vegetables, fully intending to cut them up for this very reason – but that only works if I get them cut before I crash, and I often crash when I get back from shopping.

All this to say, “I am not doing too well this week.” So would I have been like this anyway, or does it remain because of what I am eating? I really can’t say. I just hope, like every other time, that I come through it more or less intact.



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4 responses to “Autism: Vicious Cycle

  1. kazst

    October 21, 2016 at 8:44 pm

    I can completely relate to this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Emma Schade-Stylli

    October 24, 2016 at 9:12 am

    I like that saucepan cosy. Does it have a special name?

    Liked by 1 person


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