As I have been battling quite severe nausea, along with a pressure headache, and exhaustion this past while, I have been considering my desires for this life. Over and over I fixate on the same lifestyles, the same wants, the same passions, and I have come to the conclusion that they don’t make sense.
Not at all.
They don’t fit me in my skills, abilities, energy levels, or even the way I choose to spend my time. I don’t even understand where they came from when they are so different from who I am, except that perhaps they came about as an idea of how to solve various issues in my life.
For instance, I have a lot of trouble with food. Perhaps “they” are doing something with it that I react poorly to. If I cannot trust people to grow food that doesn’t make me sick, well… it would be best if I grew my own. Then I would know how it was made, and what went into it, and I could avoid the use of chemical whatevers and GMO’s and… well, I don’t even know what they are doing to the food. I only know that what is out there makes me sick. So I need to have a garden. Large gardens, really, for I would have to grow all of my food in order to avoid whatever it is that makes me so sick eating theirs.
Then there are the other trust issues. What happens if we lose power, or the economy collapses, or the heat sources are affected? What happens if we can’t afford to heat, or to cook, or to buy food (I have been hungry before, and don’t want to go there again.) What happens if I can’t trust “them” to ensure all I need to survive is available?
With those questions, I begin to fixate on NOT being dependent on “them.” So I need a farm (for my large garden) far away from people (to avoid criminals and terrorists) with a wood stove (so I have a way to heat my home and cook) and the ability to can and preserve food (so I don’t have to depend on the stores to get me through the winter.)
Above these reasons, there is my immense… dislike – or rather, paralyzing fear – of having people watch me and judge. Therefore, it would make sense to live far from people.
At least, these are the solutions that I believed were best for most of my adult years. It is only recently, as I have been home trying to figure out who I am, that I am realizing this is not who I am.
Though I like the idea of being outside in nature, the truth is that I spend nearly all of my time inside. I don’t like being cold, or wet, or worrying about cougars and bears. I don’t breathe or move well when I am too hot. I like to see the trees, but I am allergic to the grass, and have a phobia of spiders, earwigs, and other bugs.
While I might be able to learn how to grow some foods, or care for some animals, or even build a house, I am neither gifted in these areas, nor do I have the energy to follow through.
I dream of large harvests, yet struggle because I am too tired, or sick, or sad when the plums are ripe to go out and harvest just them. My thoughts don’t match who I am, or what I have been given to work with. The solution does not make sense.
Also, having moved from a very large city, to a town that is quite small, I have realized that being anonymous (which is something I really crave – especially when I just want to go out and get something done without having to socialize) is easier in a city than it is in a rural area. Even those very errands are easier to do in a large city where most things can be found close by – especially considering I don’t like driving, and I don’t like being away from home.
So as I sift through the reality of who I am, and what I am able to do, I am coming to the conclusion that what is best for me is not a small, off-grid home on a large property, but instead would be a decent sized pet friendly apartment in a safe neighbourhood of a large city, with good bus service, and all that I need within walking distance (grocery stores, health food store, farmer’s market, library, swimming pool, pretty park where dogs are allowed, church, and walking paths.)
The apartment would have a sunroom, and possibly a balcony where I could grow a few plants – but nothing big. It would have in-suite laundry, because I couldn’t possibly return to doing my laundry among other people. It would have an elevator, but of course I would choose to use the stairs most of the time. It would be new, or fully renovated, so I wouldn’t have to worry about what needed to be done – and it would be decorated to my taste, so I could walk in and feel at home.
I probably would avoid my neighbours, but in a large city, you can do that. My son would live in the same building, but not necessarily the same suite. My mom would be close enough to visit frequently. The city would have fun programs – inexpensive plays, Christmas programs, lights and decorations to see.
Basically it would be what I could have had if I had never run away from home, moved across the country, and dreamed of something different.
I can dream in that direction, too – yet neither are an option for me. Still, in trying to be true to myself, it is good to figure out who I am, and it is nice to start peeling away these layers that were never right for me to begin with.