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Autism: Just Get it Over With!

30 Dec

While for the most part I hate surprises, and don’t do well with change, there are times in my life where I just wish they would get it over with!

Like when I was working, and asked for morning shifts though it meant getting up at 5:30am despite my insomnia the night before, and my need for more sleep. The reason for that was that when I was on morning shift, I would get up (after medicating myself to sleep) go to work, and then come home and be able to relax to some degree. When I was on the afternoon shift, I would wake up anxious, and that anxiety would grow until my 3pm shift began (and then build through my shift but that was the same either way) and all I could do before my shift was pace and worry.

Change hits me in much the same way.

For instance, this week I was told that my dog’s mother would be brought to us sometime during the week (we agreed/decided to adopt her, too.) All week I have been too anxious to get anything done, and so I paced, and tried to watch Netflix (though was too distracted to pay much attention) and played Facebook games… so much of my routine became impossible just because of this (good) transition that was coming up in my future.

I was asked if I was ready for her one Friday, and was later told she would be brought the following Friday. That proved to be too much time for me to be anticipating what was coming. It might have been better for them to contact me on the Thursday evening, and bring her the Friday late morning… but that is not how it worked out.

I suppose that the tendency in dealing with people who don’t handle change well is to give them a lot of time to get used to the idea… and sometimes I need that. But for these sort of things: adopting a dog, going to work, having an interview… it might just be best to let me know, and get it over with – for the anxiety will be there, and time will only give it room to grow.

And then, after a very unproductive week due to the anxiety, I wasn’t told what time on Friday things would be happening. So I waited – email open, phone lines free, watching out the window – the entire day! And every moment my anxiety grew. It grew, and grew, and upset my dog because I couldn’t find calm and she didn’t understand.

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It was nearly 5pm when I found that they couldn’t make it, and would be coming Sunday instead. Nearly 5pm! And I was panicking! However, at that email I calmed down slightly… I can understand that sometimes things don’t work out as planned… and decided that Sunday would be better for me, too.

Yet one entire week, and one really bad day, might have been saved if I was told shortly before and could just get it over with.

By the way, I am happy she is coming, I just don’t do waiting well, for my anxiety like an avalanche grows and grows and doesn’t stop until whatever caused it is over.

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