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Autism: Becoming a Hermit

11 Jan

I hate to leave home. Even when I go camping, I wish I was able to teleport to get there and back so that I could have my own kitchen, and bathroom, and be able to enjoy what I love about camping without having to truly leave home. Or perhaps I would appreciate making my home on a property that would also work for camping.

Summer 2015 011

I prefer shopping online, and learning online, pretty much doing everything from the comfort of my own home. I suppose that is why the idea of virtual reality appeals so much to me, for I still want the experiences, it is just… I don’t want to leave home to have them.

My first, and longest lasting job was running a daycare from my home. I appreciated that the work was brought to me, and felt terrified of any thought that I might ever have to work away from home.

This wasn’t always the case, however.

As a child, school gave me extreme anxiety – but ‘home’ was worse; especially when my dad was there. So I went to school (and wished I was invisible.) When school was out, I spent a lot of time exploring parks, forests, and waterfalls with my older brother.

I loved camping, and going for walks, and picnics, and visits with family. Amusements were, and continue to be (though I now live nowhere close to them) my favourite places to go, despite the crowds and noise.

When I was in cadets, that was where I wanted to be, and those were the people I wanted to be with. Anxious? Extremely. Yet I still preferred being there to being at home.

Even during my teen years, though I really struggled with school, and often ‘chose’ not to go (really, I couldn’t make myself some days, and some seasons) I still preferred to be on the school grounds, visiting with my friends, or even sitting alone, to being at home.

It is true that for all of those years, eating, and especially bathrooms were a huge issue for me – but then, they were at home as well. There really was no safe place for such things for me. Such issues only became worse with time.

I finished high school through correspondence, which was a much better option for me, but I still wanted to be at the school when I did the work – just not in the classroom, and sometimes not even in the building.

When my son was born, and we were still living with his birth father, I would walk for six hours a day, every day just to get out of the house. I suppose the reason for that was more that my son’s father was on a different schedule than us, and wanted us to be quiet while he slept during the day – an impossible thing with an infant at home. Still, I enjoyed that time out walking with my son.

Shortly after my son turned one, I started babysitting my six month old cousin. Suddenly it was too hard to get out of the house, and we spent most of our time at home – and I felt trapped. That only lasted through the summer, and after that I took my son to playgroup, playgrounds, children’s museums… anything to get out for parts of the day.

I think it was my first attempt at college (for which I did really well – though again was extremely anxious) that being home all the time became most appealing to me. I was in my early 20’s at the time, and shortly after graduating, I opened my home daycare.

In the years since, I have become more and more of a hermit – or perhaps I just became too exhausted with the anxiety and judgment, and failure, and… that happened whenever I left the house.

Though I do go to church, and I have gone to college again, and I have had jobs away from home, it has never become any easier. The older I get, the more my entire being screams to be home whenever I go away, and I guess that over time I have just become too exhausted to keep fighting it.

After all, I like being home.

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