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Autism: Powerless

13 Mar

What I would like to do is come on here day after day and write a positive post about how everything in my life is going well, or at least how well I am handling all those things in my life that aren’t going so great. The truth is, however, that I am prone to severe and long lasting episodes of depression and anxiety, and have multiple triggers to even small things which remind me of the events surrounding my PTSD.

Even aside from the Autism and severe sensory issues that often leave me feeling like I don’t fit into this world, I struggle immensely with tiny details which others don’t seem to notice at all. And then there are those big things, which would cause upset to just about anyone, and which I can’t seem to overcome. I guess that is why I struggle so much with the depression, and anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder, and…

I have a high amount of sensitivity (emotional, physical… it doesn’t matter, I am sensitive to it.) Add to that a low tolerance for stress, and an almost complete lack of resiliency, and you can see that even an easy life might seem like too much for me (and my life hasn’t been easy… but then compared to some people, it hasn’t been really hard either.)

To say that everything is going well, or that I am handling things well, would not only be a lie – it would completely remove the purpose of writing this blog to begin with. I mean if things were going well, that would be different – but if they aren’t going well, but I am pretending they are going well (just to be positive or whatever) then those who are struggling like me might read my post and still feel alone.

Well the other day I had an especially bad time of it. As I like to do, I ordered some items off the internet. I like it because I don’t have to arrange for the vehicle, leave my home, or experience the stress and exhaustion that comes with being in public. Plus it is often cheaper online (and while I agree it is better to by local from people who support fair trade, we just can’t afford that – even though we buy most of our clothes and furniture at the thrift store. So I would buy from a big company, who would get their products cheap from bad labour practices overseas, and basically I am making the same purchase and having it shipped to me from overseas rather than paying the much increased price of the big box company. I feel bad, but what do I do?)

Usually I have a good experience. It might take a very long time to come in (like the life jacket that I ordered for my pom 2 months before he died, which didn’t come in until near a month after I got my new dog, but it was much too big for her – long.) But it is what I expected, and it is cheap, and it is easy. Usually.

A couple of times when things haven’t come in, I have contacted (E-bay) who contacts the company, who refunds the money. When the items do come in, I contact the company, and pay them again. A bit of a hassle, but not enough to stop me from ordering.

But then about a month ago, I put in an order to a company for 4 items (2 of each colour.) I paid for the whole order together since they were the same item, same company, different colours. A week ago, I got two emails from E-bay saying the company had put in unpaid claims against me for this purchase. I went to E-bay, but the only option was to pay, which I had already done at purchase time. Finally after a huge amount of stress, I was able to find the contact details, and send a message to the company, along with a copy of the receipt showing that I had paid (PayPal receipt, it was detailed, and did show the company, the items, the date, and that the payment went through.)

It was exceptionally stressful, but I got through it, and received a message the next day, “okay, we fix.” A day later, it was still up as an unpaid claim, so I messaged them again. “Okay, we fix,” they replied. And then I got two more emails from E-bay on the following day: My order had been cancelled, I was no longer entitled to receive the items, and the unpaid claim was reported against me.

I was so… angry? Yes. Helpless, powerless, triggered. I did my part to show them I had in fact paid for these items, and twice the company said they would fix it. Then I received this.

I went for my shower with tears pouring down my face; this time in frustration and anger; hating the evil in the world; hating people; struggling/not wanting to live in this world anymore… for $10, and a report against me.

It was the report that got me. I did everything right, and had no way of fighting them. Once more I was back in the ministry office being told my (foster) kids were being taken away again. “But I did everything right,” I said. “We know,” they responded, and gave me no choice but to sign the paper saying I was abusive and controlling. Even when I do it right, I fail. And how do I stand against them?

After my shower I phoned Ebay (the only contact option they gave, though it causes me such stress on a good day.) The guy says, “There is no reason to be stressed, it was just an automated reply with bad wording. The case, not the order was cancelled. The solution, not the claim was recorded.” (By the way, I went back to it, and there was no way it was just bad wording as it actually did say the order was cancelled, and I was not entitled to receive the item, and a report was put in against me. No help there, either. I guess I just have to wait to see if it comes, as it was supposed to have been shipped before they put in the claim.)

For the rest of that day (and to be honest, it has been several days and I am still really struggling) I felt broken and defeated, and incapable of living in a world that leaves me so powerless.

Summer 2015 011

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