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Autism: Real Desires of my Heart

27 Mar

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours in the afternoon taking multiple career quizzes on a job site. I do this a lot! Although the responses have never matched with who I am (I have no idea what I am doing wrong, as I always answer the questions with complete honesty) I still have hope that one day something will be listed that gives me an “aha!” moment.

True, that has not happened yet, despite the many years I have been taking these quizzes, but maybe someday I will find the quiz that does work for me.

The multiple quizzes I took yesterday were all on the same site – a work site for Alberta, Canada. I don’t live in Alberta (though not far away, either) but I will take anything I can get.

When I got my results, it came up with things like accountant, or statistician, or tax auditor, and other jobs that require strong attention to detail and a lot of time staring at a screen. It isn’t that I am bad with numbers or anything, but that level of detail and focus on a screen leaves me both severely anxious, and exhausted – which leads to depression. Above that, focusing on numbers that long leaves my eyes stinging, and my brain fuzzy – so the focus I enjoy much of the time would still not help me maintain the level of accuracy required for such jobs.

No good.

Just like other quizzes I have taken in the past, which tend to list things like physical therapist, acupuncturist, or such things (when I can’t touch people I don’t know, and hardly touch people I do know, and am unable to work with other people in such a capacity) the list doesn’t in fact reflect who I am.

I suppose that is because there are so many facets to my ability, or disability, that the standard questions don’t take them all into account – which is completely necessary for me. For instance, I have a lot of trouble with pain in my feet, which radiates up my legs and causes back trouble. That and the fact that I am so often exhausted excludes any physical type of work for me.

Then there is the Autism, which includes severe sensory issues (food, touch, smell, loud or repetitive sounds… all out!) My anxiety grows to panic when dealing with people at all – and that includes one on one. Although I can focus, I tend again towards panic and depression when I am expected to maintain a high level of accuracy, or spend a long time focused on something outside of my current interest. I might be able to maintain an accuracy sufficient enough for my employer, but the cost to my mental health is very high for me.

After taking several quizzes and questionnaires, I came to a part of the site which asked me to imagine several scenarios: Imagine money is not an object; or, imagine you had a magic wand, and could make your life anything you wanted… there were several similar ideas followed by the questions: Where are you living? What are you doing? Who is with you?

Of course, I can imagine things – especially if a magic wand is included (which, being a Christian, is not likely a good thing – but I feel so very powerless in life, the longing is hard to shake.)

So I answered:

I am living in a small cabin by a lake and far away from people. I am living with my husband, son, and many pets. We have really good internet service, but in many ways are self sufficient – wood stove, large food garden and fruit trees, well water, etc. I spend my time writing, taking care of my pets and garden, and swimming and kayaking on the lake.

sunflower-garden

I like the idea of that life, for in my mind it feels so calm and quiet, and the very thought leaves my entire body and mind sighing in relief. I want the lifestyle, but… it wouldn’t pay the bills. Writing for income is another recommendation that doesn’t fit me well, for I can’t handle criticism at all! It destroys me. And writing is one of those professions that gets a lot of criticism – which is the reason I have not shown the book I did write (though I do like it) to anyone else.

Also, despite the fact that I try every year, I haven’t got the skills or the energy to grow much food even where I am. Nothing but my imagination can bring me to a place where I consider I might be able to do this – and then, in my mind, I have some type of magic that makes it easier for me. Bad.

So while the exercise was a lot of fun, and for a while in my mind brought me to a place where I found peace and contentment (the real desires of my heart) it didn’t actually help me to live within the reality I have been given.

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