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Autism: Shocks of Evil

07 Apr

Okay, so I have mentioned in the past how much I love to spend time… no, fixate, on Pinterest. For the most part, looking at the pictures in my feed brings me feelings of peace and happiness. But then there are those times, like the one that brought me to write this post, where the pictures cause me pain, shock, and turmoil.

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The challenge comes from association, I guess.

I ‘pin’ pictures related to pets – and pictures of animals being abused enter my feed – and these pictures are traumatic for me to see. I try to block them out, and can’t. I can’t do it. So I have these horrible pictures like flashbacks in my mind, and I can’t get them out.

Though I am completely against animal abuse, and agree that spreading awareness will entice people to action in stopping it, my heart and brain cannot hold on to such images of evil without breaking. So I am on my favourite site, spending hours looking through pins that leave me feeling peaceful, and happy, and overcoming the negativity that overwhelms me, when suddenly I am shocked into depression, and panic, and…

It was a picture of a dog being skinned alive. Horrible. Evil.

How could a person be so evil? How could they?

I know the picture was there for awareness. These people need to be charged. This is a horrible, terrible crime – and like a murder, the law needs to come against them with severity.

But it hurts me. It hurts me that people hurt them. And I just can’t. Not because I don’t care, but because I care so much it breaks me. And I am powerless against such evil, and I hate the world because of it, and it feeds my depression,and it feeds my panic, until I want out.

My food pictures – though plant based – lead to other food pictures that contain meat. Bad.

The pictures of gardens, and cob houses, and solar power… they lead to images of how to butcher animals, or how to hunt, or…

And I can’t.

I need those images to be blocked out before I see them – because once they enter my mind, they cause all sorts of emotional and mental health issues… or at least set off the issues I already struggle with.

But there is no block. I can like the pictures, and pin the pictures, and follow or unfollow boards – but I can’t block the pictures that hurt me.

It isn’t just Pinterest either.

These things come on Facebook, and they come up in searches for other things, and they just sneak into my life and break me. And what can I do – except shut out the world, and retreat further into myself. I could avoid the internet. I could avoid Pinterest and Facebook. But then these things bring such peace, and inspiration, and happiness to me at other times that I really don’t want to avoid them entirely.

If only I could filter the things that did come up. If only.

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