This weekend held the birthdays of both of my (foster) daughters. The eighth of each that I have missed since the adoption failed. For a time I thought I was doing okay this year. On both of the days in question, I spent the majority of the day outside working on my garden. I enjoyed myself.
As I looked closer, however, I realized that I was still triggered – it just looked different from other years.
For the last week or so, I have been experiencing panic attacks. They have been random in that I have had nothing going on to set them off. They have been unpredictable. True, each night as I was trying to fall asleep during this time, I have been panicky – which has kept me awake – but there have also been times during the day where I was fine, and suddenly was panicking (despite being at home and doing something I was enjoying.)
Above that, though I have been in a relatively good mood, all of a sudden I would be overcome with sadness and tears. Like pouring rain out of a sunny sky.
Other years, the days were hard, and my thoughts were ALL about my girls. This year, however, while I did think of them, the thoughts around the sadness were more focused on my dog and grandmother – both of whom died in 2016.
I guess that as time goes by… it isn’t that I’ve forgotten my girls, or even accepted the loss, but… the losses seem to pile in together like a snowball growing larger and larger as it is rolled along the ground. It is all sad, and it all hurts – but when the days come, though the timing is specifically about them, the thoughts are more generalized. I didn’t know that would happen.
So I got through another year – for all four of my children had their birthdays within less than a two month period. It wasn’t as hard, maybe, as I’ve experienced in previous years – but it is far from better.