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Autism: One Thing In Several Things Out

19 Jun

Though I really want to, I haven’t been able to keep up.

One thing in, several things out.

It is always that way.

Even when the ‘thing in’ is a good thing – such as now, with my mom visiting. Still I can’t keep up, no matter how hard I try.

It isn’t even like I haven’t got the time. Most afternoons I can expect at least a couple of hours when she is reading her book, or playing her games (Facebook games – so addicting, so frustrating!) And even when we are visiting, I could be writing, too. But I don’t.

I want to, but I don’t.

Coming up with ideas of what to write? Also not an issue. I have the ideas. I have enough thoughts going through my head to have the posts written, and then some. There really doesn’t seem to be any reason why I am struggling so much to do these things. I just am. Struggling.

The visit is going well. I am less anxious, and so much more content than I have been… ever, really.

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Everything is good. Everything. Yet still I struggling to juggle the routine.

And at the end of the week, with my anxiety strong with the knowledge that I am ‘behind’ (meaning only two weeks ahead of schedule rather than the three I prefer) I sit down, and rush to get out those posts and ‘catch up.’ I assure myself that I will be able to keep up next week. After all, the ideas – even the whole posts many times – are already there in my head.

I just need to sit down and write.

And I love to write. I do.

Yet each week the days seem to fly by, and I get behind. So fast.

Even now as I write, I am being pulled away from the computer – for my mom is in the kitchen doing the dishes for the second time today. It should have been my turn. So I know that for the next several days, I will rush to get to the kitchen before she does so that I can do the dishes, and not feel bad that she got there faster again.

One thing in, several things out.

Still, I am determined to keep up with this blog somehow.

But I wonder how in the world other people do it. How do they keep up with everything, when I have so little that must be done, and still can’t do it. And once more I come face to face with the idea that this world is too much for me. Too fast. Too busy. Too demanding. Too hard. Too much… too much… too much.

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