We had been there for a week, and it was time to go home.
Transitions are hard for me. Especially bigger transitions, like moving from comfort to discomfort. Okay, maybe that isn’t suggestive of a ‘bigger transition,’ but it sure feels that way to me.
I woke up knowing that we were leaving, and counting up all of the things that needed to be done. Very quickly I was becoming overwhelmed, and I hadn’t even opened my eyes.
“Never mind,” I thought to myself. “Block it out. You won’t have to do it alone.”
And that did help for a while.
We didn’t have a set time to be home, and though it was going to be a hot (and smoky from all the wildfires close by) ride home, we decided to wait until after lunch to leave. My husband and I planned to swim first – and my girls would have their ice packs in the crate with them as we travelled. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too unbearable.
We started packing up together, but then when I went down to start bringing things up from the ledge where our tent was set up, his cousin (second, I think) who was up with her friends started visiting him. I ended up having to bring everything up by myself after all.
And I had a bad back.
He knew that. It had been bothering me for many days. There were lots of reasons why my back hurt:
- I had been picking my girls up out of their pen instead of using the door.
- It had been a bad allergy season, and allergy medications leave me prone to back issues.
- We were sleeping on the ground in a tent – and while we had foam mats, and a foamie to sleep on, I could still feel every bump and indentation below me, and had the bruises to prove it. I guess I am too old to sleep in a tent – but the campers were all taken.
- I had been mainly sitting on benches without backs, and I really need the back support.
On top of that, I get really bad (scary) pains in my chest and arm when carrying things up and down hills – and when we arrived, he had also left me to carry everything down (I am sure he was doing something – probably watching my dogs or something as I asked him to, or unloading the food up above – but I needed his help and he wasn’t there.)
So I was upset. Of course I was upset.
“It wasn’t right that you left me to bring everything up by myself,” I told him.
He said he had been getting things in the top rack – but that was before I was bringing things up from the tent; while I was still packing things up above. The whole time I was bringing things up, he was talking to his cousin (who had offered to help, but ‘we were okay,’ and we were until they stopped him from working to visit, and I was left to do it alone.) Every time I came back up the hill, there he was, in the same place, talking.
And my back was hurting. And my chest and arm were in pain. And I was overheated, and exhausted, and overwhelmed. And melting down. He wasn’t there, and I needed him to be. My husband is a serving kind of person. He is there to help, well… always. It is what he does. So when I needed the help, and it was his work too, I counted on him being there. I expected his help. And so when he was distracted, and I had to do it all alone? It was all just too much for me.
I needed him there before I even began because transitions? Transitions are hard.