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Autism: Sometimes I Can’t

15 Dec

I had the best of plans for the day. I even knew in enough advance that I wanted to go that I could (should) have booked the bus, only…

On the Monday, the day I was supposed to phone, we were waiting for a visitor. We. My husband was home. I was glad he was home because I had a visitor coming, and I struggle a lot with such things. He helps. Only when he is home I can almost never do… things. Like housework, or phoning people.

Phones are hard for me. Really hard.

When I have to make a phone call, I need complete silence. I rehearse over and over what I am going to say in my head, and I write it down just to be sure, and I panic before I pick up the phone and dial. I can’t do that when someone else is around, and my husband was home from work that day (having switched days off with a coworker that week.)

So my husband was home, and that was difficult – for making the phone call at least.

And we were waiting for a visitor.

It doesn’t exactly matter who the visitor is, or how long they are going to stay, or what they are coming for – expecting someone to come to my home causes severe anxiety for me. Another thing that is really hard.

Sometimes it is worth it – like when my friend comes over every other week. I like visiting with her, and I know exactly when she is coming, and exactly how long she is staying. Though I still panic before, and crash after, I am always happy that she came.

Other times the visit is necessary, like when I have people coming over to fix my windows, or install new light fixtures, or… then, though they may only be at my home for half an hour, and though I might know approximately when they are coming, I still panic before and during – and though it is a short part of my day, I am exhausted for days after.

Then there are times like these. The visitor was the previous owner of all three of my dogs. When they gave us Misty-Grace, they asked my husband to keep his eyes out at work (the thrift store) for dog blankets, cushions, and such. They run a kennel, and have multiple dogs of their own. So we had collected a large stack of such things for them – and they bought a sleigh for us (one of the wooden baby sleighs for walking on the snow – since my dogs frequently prefer to be carried to walking.)

He was coming to exchange the items and see my girls. It was fine. I was happy he was coming, but anxious and panicky as always. We didn’t know when he was coming. He was driving from out of town, about an hour away. We didn’t know how long he was staying.

So we waited. And as I waited, knowing I was supposed to be making this phone call to book the bus for a trip I already knew I wanted to take, my panic grew.

In that level of anxiety, I can’t function. I couldn’t make the phone call. I couldn’t do anything at all. I was dizzy, and numb, and panicky.

By the time he arrived, it was 4 in the afternoon – and the bus place closes at 4:30. I knew through the day that I should be making the phone call, and I kept looking at the phone and trying to work up the courage, but I just couldn’t do it.

I had to do it. I wanted to do it. I remembered it needed to be done. I knew what I needed to ask for. And still…

Sometimes I just can’t.

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