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Autism: Train Crossing

18 Dec

Well the day came, and since I didn’t have the bus booked I had to take the van. Well, I guess for that part I would have had to take the van anyway, since we only book the bus to take us home. After all, if my husband is going into town anyway, why would be spent $3.50 in bus tickets to take us to the same place at around the same time?

My husband had offered to take us home after, so I wouldn’t have to return (in the dark) at night to pick him up from work when he was done. I don’t like driving in the dark. I don’t like driving.

This was the day I had set aside to do all of my Christmas shopping… well, most. My son was coming with me, so I would have to pick up things for him on another day. Everything else had to get done. When would I get another chance to do it?

I have really been struggling with Christmas this year. All the commercialism makes me feel sick. I look in the fliers and they seem to be telling us that we should be spending hundreds of dollars on each gift (if we really loved our family!) Hundreds! What ever happened to the $20 maximum for the closest people in our lives? Or better, the orange, Christmas candy, and mittens that used to fill stockings a hundred or so years ago.

When did Christmas become about going into debt?

The more I look in these fliers, the more I hate the idea of buying anything. Such pressure. Such greed. This is not what Christmas is supposed to be.

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But like most other people I do have people to buy for, and I don’t want them thinking I don’t care about them. So I went out looking.

As I left the thrift store where my husband works, a train started going by on the tracks we had to cross to get to town. I was first at the stop sign on my side – needing to turn right to cross the tracks. Across from me was the Handy Dart – the bus I had planned to book to get us home. It was being driven by a person my son and I both know. She was first to the stop sign across from me, and had arrived there before I had.

On the road perpendicular to us – the one that crossed the train tracks – there was no stop sign, and there were several people stopped at the train crossing there.

I was sitting there, in the driver’s seat of my van, panicking for two reasons:

  1. Knowing who I was, the driver of the Handy Dart would recognize me sitting in the driver’s seat of my van, and question how I qualified to take the Handy Dart (to be fair, in my application for this bus I did say that I could drive, but that it causes me a lot of anxiety, and I still was approved.)
  2. I struggle with the rules for a two way stop where there is no stop sign in the other direction. She was there first, so I wanted to let her go first – but she was turning left where I was turning right, and in such situations in the past the people turning right went first regardless of who got there first…

Perhaps I shouldn’t care what other people think of me, but I do. I care a LOT! So it bothers me when I think that other people might think that I don’t belong somewhere, or shouldn’t qualify for something, or…

My son said that if anyone had been in the van with us, they would never question that I should qualify for the Handy Dart (he has also said that in the past while we were standing outside the thrift store waiting for the bus, and I was so anxious I couldn’t think – to be fair, the bus never showed on that trip, so the panic was justified – I ended up having a full meltdown then.)

Anyway, I hesitated for a second, and when she didn’t go, I did. But the panic never let up.

I wanted, and had planned to get all of my Christmas shopping done that morning, but after the experience I had waiting for the train at that stop sign, all I wanted to do was be home with my girls. We did go to every mall in town (we live in a small town, so when I say mall, there are only a few stores in each) but I didn’t get any shopping done.

I couldn’t.

And the rest of the day I was anxious, teary, and emotional. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t be driving at all. It is all just too much for me.

 

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