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Autism: Through My Brother’s Mouth

12 Feb

My younger brother is noticeably disabled – meaning that when people see or talk to him, they can tell. Obviously I am not him, and can’t attest to his experience, but it seems to me that people are much more gracious to disabled people who seem disabled.

Not to say I wish I did, only… perhaps I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself throughout my life for not being able to fit in??? I didn’t know I was disabled, and believed people’s labels and assessments of me (which weren’t kind.)

NT’s seem to not like labels – as if they put people in ‘boxes’ and make it harder to live – but I really appreciate my diagnosis. It isn’t like I didn’t know there was something ‘wrong’ with me before, just… I always thought it was my fault. (So did other people.)

Anyway, my younger brother is noticeably disabled.

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He has been on medication for a severe seizure disorder since he was very young (before Kindergarten.) The medication, along with the fact that he doesn’t like to brush his teeth, means that he has a receding gum line, and not so clean teeth. I, on the other hand, tend to obsess about brushing my teeth – and have a real struggle talking to people if I don’t feel my teeth are very clean.

My brother has a tendency to squint, and when he does, he curls his upper lip in towards his gums. It looks strange. I see that now – but I had the same issue and had to work really hard as a young teen to stop doing that (after having it pointed out to me by a few people – who weren’t being kind when they said it.)

When my brother talks, there is a noticeable catch in his words. He stumbles over them, much like tripping when walking. I don’t think I have a catch in my words most of the time – and no one has ever pointed that out to me, but…

My brother has a limited number of ‘special interests,’ which have been the same for years: bus schedules, wrestling, canasta. Since he is extroverted, he talks about these things a lot! To whoever will listen (and since he doesn’t seem aware at all if someone is irritated by his choice of subject, so long as they stay in listening distance, he will talk.)

Since my brother has a traumatic brain injury from a car accident when he was very young, he never was diagnosed Autistic – though even before that accident he was unable to speak (at 4 years old) and my mom says he was quite a challenge to care for.

I am not my brother.

I obsess about brushing my teeth. I learned not to curl my lip in towards my gums. I have not been told I have a noticeable catch when I speak (and in fact, when I have shared this with others, they have confirmed they have not noticed a catch when I speak.)

I do have special interests, and, being quite introverted it is easiest for me to talk about these interests in order to avoid not being so quiet, but… I do notice when others get annoyed with the subject (in fact, since I don’t appear disabled, they are much more likely to tell me they are annoyed) And when they seem to be ignoring or annoyed with what I am saying…

I feel like I am speaking through my brother’s mouth – complete with receding gums, curled lip, and frequent noticeable catch.

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