Honestly I had no intention of letting my blog go so long without writing more – but days became weeks, and weeks became months, and…
I had lots to write about. Right from the last time I posted, I had a flow of continuous ideas. It isn’t even like I forgot about it. I think of writing all the time.
Well, here I am about 3 months after I wrote my last post, and all I can say is, “sorry.”
February was a really hard month for me. December of 2017 was a hard month as I was so very depressed the entire month. January was good. I think we had a lot of sun in January, and seem to remember the snow melting for a while.
February, however, was bad. Day after day my panic attacks were overwhelming me. It was exhausting! I couldn’t calm down, no matter what I tried. So when I thought about posting, having decided to write when I was not wanting to vent, the panic would shut me down.
I couldn’t do it.
Each night throughout February and most of March, I would take Valerian to sleep. For me, Valerian is one of the only things I have tried that calms my panic attacks enough to sleep – and fast, too! I could be in a full blown panic attack, take Valerian, and 5 minutes later feel calm. Yet it puts me to sleep, and I can’t take it during the day.
So…
The anxiety was too much for me.
And when I am anxious, my thoughts fixate. This is why I was also diagnosed with OCD on top of my autism. When I say “fixate,” I mean it. Six to seven weeks of panic over the apathy people have to the treatment of animals (factory farms.)
My panic wasn’t initially triggered by those thoughts, but it is more that I “crashed,” which I do often. It turned to anxiety, which it often does. The panic pulled out those thoughts which often cause me trouble. And then they wouldn’t let go.
I can’t understand…
People respond to ‘vegans’ as if they think they are better than other people (Christians too for that matter,) but for me it is the opposite. Since I was a child I have felt an overwhelming sense of inferiority to just about everyone around me. I never feel “too good” for other people, but rather, “not good enough.”
But my mind can’t reconcile the thought of a world of people, most better than me, being accepting of such extreme cruelty. It doesn’t make sense to me. And I feel so helpless, which reminds me over and over of what a failure I see myself as. So… panic.
I don’t remember what good thing happened, but as an expression my husband said, “We should kill the fatted calf.” (Biblical from the story of the prodigal son.)
I responded, “That is cruel!”
He said, “Well…” in the same tone someone would use to say “Meh…” (Is that the word? I never use it, but have heard it often enough.)
I don’t understand.
I don’t understand.
I just don’t.
Anyway, what started out as days became weeks, and the weeks became months. The longer I avoided writing, the harder it was to write. So here I am (on a “trigger day” no less, being “my” youngest daughter’s birthday – but that is another story) making an attempt to start again.
autismalifetimeundiagnosed 
Grainne
April 24, 2018 at 6:13 am
I would suggest that no apologies are needed. This is your space and when you come to share things with the world is up to you. I can’t say I’m not happy to see you back though – I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you are well.
I’m not a meat eater myself but haven’t made the choice to be vegan…yet. My body is so imbalanced I’m terrified I’d choose all the wrong supplements and my hubby and son would never give up their beloved steak. (Actually, Colt eats an awful lot like me. I’m pretty sure when he gets a bit older he’ll make the similar choices I did. He’s a veggie monster and eats fruits like they’re candy. He isn’t big on dairy except for very specific cheeses and his one big hold back is eggs. I buy our eggs from a small family farm down the road where the chickens get to run around the property and are fed good, healthy foods that are meant for chickens to eat. They never grow them for meat…..just to lay eggs and they don’t force produce either so that makes me feel a little better about the whole thing.
I just tend to eat what by body tells me it needs and, most often, it needs natural foods and fruits; veggies and sometimes an iron or calcium/Vit D supplement. A lifetime of progress doesn’t amount to much, but it’s my little contribution and every little bit counts, I believe. 🙂
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Walkinfaith925
April 24, 2018 at 8:56 am
I would maybe keep chickens for eggs and not meat here, only I am severely allergic to eggs. I am also allergic to feathers, so whenever I suggest getting chickens (I am like that!) my son has to remind me it would be a bad idea for me.
Also, several years ago the family of my son’s best friend kept a cow for milk. I thought that was great until they ate the cow. I was upset for years (not angry with them, sad for the cow, and horrified at the thought of being able to do that with a family ‘pet.’) I am intolerant to dairy, though, and haven’t been able to drink milk for more than 13 years.
I had been trying very hard to go vegetarian/vegan for more than two decades, but kept getting sick (and really was on that path from the time of my 5th birthday when my family thought it would be a good idea to take me to see “The Fox and the Hound.” They took me out wailing because the foxes mom gets killed (off screen) in the beginning, and I couldn’t bear the thought of the fox growing up without its mother.) I do understand.
These days the options are so much better, and I have been thriving without meat for over two years straight – and for a couple of years before that. The break was for several months due to being medicated when I was first diagnosed with Autism. The medication left me “not wanting to be difficult.” When I stopped taking it I was horrified that such disregard for my values (and the pain I saw caused by this) was actually encouraged.
Since I am allergic, I have been fine without eggs (though they used to be my favourite food until I became allergic, and it was hard at first) for several years. I also like my almond milk, and recently have found vegan cheese to be much improved.
My struggle at being completely vegan is in sour cream (which I like with many of my foods) as the vegan version at $5 for a tiny tub rather than $2 for a large one of dairy based is too expensive to try. The same is true of yogurt, which I eat rarely. A small container is $2, where I can get 12-16 of the same size containers for $3 with dairy based. I am considering finding a way to make these at home.
I crave vegetables much like it seems others crave potato chips (though I still eat those too, they’re just not so satisfying.) My favourite treat is kale, drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with nutritional yeast, baked in the oven. Of course, I like raw vegetables, too, and am always thankful when there is a tray of vegetables around to snack on. Though I am usually the one to have cut the vegetables for the tray, I am still thankful when it is there.
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Grainne
April 25, 2018 at 6:53 am
I love almond milk! I’m so thankful for it because I also love cereal so it’s given me a way to enjoy breakfast without drinking cows milk. (Plus I actually like the taste and texture much more).
Your friends who had a milking cow – that would make me sad too, knowing they butchered her in the end. I would think a lifetime of supplying substance and love would have been enough. Then again, I can see how the cycle completes itself if she was old and no longer living a good healthy life. Cows are so intelligent and it sounds like she was loved and cared for throughout her life. I’d never be able to eat an animal that had Already given so much to my family though.
I have yet to find a vegan cheese that appeals to me. I’m on a variety of medications that make my food selections difficult too, plus I’m not good with certain textures which makes it all the more difficult, I know.
Guilty pleasure for me? Lol! Same as yours! I adore sour cream and yogurt (separately of course). If you do happen upon a recipe for home made sour cream or yogurt that is vegan please let me know? I’d love to try that out.
Thanks for the answer to my comment. It was really nice connecting with you like this and I know it can take a lot out of you to do so. Xx
Grainne. 🙂
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