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Autism: Independent Living

While I have not been posting on my blog site often in recent months, it isn’t as if I have stopped writing altogether (as if that would ever be possible!)

Several months ago, right after I had struggled in getting my vision testing done, I did a Google search on what to do when vision testing doesn’t work for you.  I came up with the site “Quora,” and have been answering questions on there ever since.

For example, the question from this morning was:  “Can adults with Autism live independently without support?”

So I answered it:

Some might be able to. It really depends on many factors.

I, for instance, am what would be considered to be “high-functioning.” I have an average or above IQ, am (sometimes) verbal, can read, write, completed college with honours, have held a job for months, even years at a time…

But…

I have a tendency to panic attacks, am prone to depression, struggle with time management (time seems to go too fast for me, and I move to slow in it, so working more than a couple of days a week is too much for me and I can’t live outside of that.) I get burnt out easily, and shut down when I am overwhelmed.

When I lived on my own, I could never make enough to pay all of my bills. I wasn’t out spending money on things I didn’t need, but still ended up frequently short on money. Not enough for rent, hydro, gas, other bills. I couldn’t do it.

Also I struggle with abstracts – and thoughts of the future are pretty much entirely abstract. For example, I moved across the country, after completing my Early Childhood Education (with honours), to open a home daycare in a community that needed daycare.

My view was that I was allowed to care for 7 children, including my own. (5 under 5.) So even if I only filled those 4 spaces left for young children, I would have no trouble paying my bills. I took out a loan, moved across the country (fully expecting I would have no trouble flying home a couple of times a year to see my family) and opened my daycare.

What I could not see was that most of the care I would provide would be part time. Those 4 spaces would be filled by 10 children – and frequently I would be juggling and having to communicate to the parents in order to never go over 4 children at a time. Communication was hard. Getting enough income to pay the bills was very hard. Working full time to try and make enough to live was exhausting.

I couldn’t continue long term, ended up NOT being able to pay my bills, struggling to get money to eat, having my gas shut off, defaulting on my loans, and having to claim bankruptcy. NOT because I was out spending money on things I didn’t need, but because no matter how hard I tried (and 20 years later, this is still very true) I could not make enough to deal with everything.

In fact, trying to deal with everything a home requires to run (even excluding money – which had I been diagnosed, and been put on disability, I might have been able to manage) is so overwhelming that my brain shuts down (like an overloaded circuit breaker.)

Running a daycare was not the only factor in my inability to live independently. I also tried working in construction, and working in a small motel. Even in jobs I really liked, and could work at part time, I would become so panicky I couldn’t keep going. I am now at home on disability, as that issue became worse the more I tried, not better.

I am married now, and my husband works and takes care of the bills. He also helps me to socialize, and does the majority of the driving (even though I do drive, the unpredictability of other drivers and pedestrians causes me to panic and become exhausted too fast to actually get much done once I reach my destination.)

Maybe if I had a good level of disability payment support, and lived in a place where I was walking distance to most things I needed (groceries, church, etc.) and was on a very good bus route to anywhere else I might need to get to, I might be able to live independently. As it is, even as a high functioning adult with Autism/Aspergers, I can’t do it.

Easter 2015

 

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Autism: Future Blindness

I dreamt my son and I were doing some type of concrete forming on top of a highrise. We had to climb ladders in precarious positions to reach our work, yet even standing on the roof terrified me. I felt all the time as if I were sliding off, so I was lying down holding onto anything secure within my reach (so of course not doing my job.)

My son, on the other hand, was climbing on the ladder, and walking on the ledges 20 stories in the air as if they were nothing.

True to me I was panicking for the safety (or lack of) for both of us. I am sure the dream was the result of seeing a contractor climbing off a roof onto a ladder while my son and I were out for our walk the day before. I couldn’t watch, it scared me so much.

Now I know my son is not fearless – not like in the dream. He would never be found willingly climbing such heights, walking on ledges, or even doing that type of work. For a while however, I thought I could do… maybe not work on highrises, but construction of a sort anyway.

I had myself so convinced that I could do it, and would even like to do it, that I took two trades courses at our local college: A 12 week gateway program, and a 6 month Residential Construction foundation course.

ResCon

Yet I was so afraid of heights that I would cringe when other people in the course were climbing ladders, or walking floor joists or walls. I was afraid of the heights. I was afraid of the tools. I was generally afraid of the entire construction process.

I don’t know how I could ever have convinced myself that it would be a good career for me except that… I can’t see forward.

The older I get, the more I realize this.

I have a great imagination, and I am very good at dreaming things up, or picturing what situations might look like. I am also very good at seeing all that could possibly go wrong. The trouble seems to be that my imagination doesn’t take into account how I might experience these things.

Also, when I convince myself that something might be good for me, I have to block out thoughts of any fears that might come with it. I am always afraid. I am afraid of everything. So in order to convince myself that I can do anything, I also have to block out all thoughts of what could go wrong – which I am able to do so long as I am not actually in the situation I am dreaming up.

It is like any other fantasy that I dream up – like something impossible. As if I am as likely to be able to create a portal to another part of the country, or learn to fly (without the use of tools) or to alter reality with my mind as I am to get a job in construction, or adopt a sibling group of children, or…

So long as it is just an idea and not part of my reality, I am fine – but once I am actually a part of it, all of my fears, and failures, and limitations stop me from actually being able to continue on.

This makes it very difficult (if not impossible) to consider what I could do with my future as a job, or any other part of my life. Without the physical experience, I have no clue what would ‘suit me’ even enough that I could be successful in it – and now, after all of my failures, I am too afraid and exhausted to try.

After this I went on to dream that my son and I were in a cave with several other people sorting and categorizing turtles, and even naming them. This dream was definitely also connected to our walk the day before in which my son told me that the German word for turtle translates to ‘shielded frog.’ (My son has been studying German through the site Duolingo for several years now.)

 

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Autism: What Could I Be?

It was early in the visit, I think, and it took me a long time to try to figure out which words I should use. The words are always important, for I have found that if I choose wrong, or say it in the wrong way, or… people seem to think I am attacking them.

Not that my mom responds in that way, but enough people do that it has become a major concern every time I want to ask or say anything of any importance to me.

Was I good at anything as a child?

What was I good at when I was young?

Was there ever anything I was especially good at?

Who was I as a child?

Was there anything you thought I could be when I was a child?

Was I always this broken?

If I had the experience, do you think there is anything I could do?

Did you think I had potential to be anything when I was young? Or something? Or more than this?

Did you see anything I might have missed?

I don’t even know how it came out when I did ask her, for all the time I spent thinking about it. I do know that I was really anxious, and my heart was pounding, and my mind was trying to build walls and block things out, and my hands were shaking.

041

I do know it wasn’t easy for me to ask. What if she thought I thought that she didn’t do enough to encourage me when I was young? That certainly wasn’t what I was trying to express. I just… wanted to know if there was maybe something I had missed.

Something I could be. Something I could do. Anything I might be able to succeed at – for this string of failures that has been my life since at least my teens (though the feeling was there long before that) has devastated my confidence until I am blinded in fear from trying again.

I was glad to have my mom there. For years sometimes, between visits, she is not there – and some things are hard to ask on the phone, or even in emails. This was one of them.

Was there anything I was especially interested in?

“Writing,” she said. “You were always writing.”

“You never wanted to play sports, or work in teams, or do things with other people. You just always had paper and pens, and I don’t even know what you were writing most of the time. You just loved to write.”

Well… there you have it. What I am, I’ve always been. There is nothing I love to do more than write.

 

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Autism: If Only

I watched a movie the other night.

It was an Adam Sandler movie, which was listed on Netflix. Typically, I don’t like Adam Sandler movies. I have nothing against him, it is just that comedy is not my thing. Mostly I don’t get it. I know it is supposed to be funny, but it just leaves me feeling nauseous. It isn’t him – it is comedy in general that I struggle with.

I do have a sense of humour. I do laugh when I find things funny. It is just… I don’t find most things funny that other people seem to. I have a different humour, I guess. Anyway, I tend to choose sad movies most of the time.

There were two movies of his that I liked though: One was ‘Bedtime Stories,’ and this one – “The Cobbler” was the other.

I enjoyed the movie very much, but… okay. My favourite movies I tend to like because I like the story, and the people, and the place, and they make me cry, and… basically I like everything about the movie. A lot of movies I like, however, it may be just one detail that I like about the show.

There are several shows I have liked because I liked the house it was shot in. Houses are a big one for me, and I love Victorians. In fact, I watch a lot of Paranormal shows because they are based in Victorian houses (apparently they are often thought to be haunted?!?) I love the houses, so while I may have some idea of what is going on in the movie, my focus is completely on the house.

“Did you like the movie?”

“Absolutely! I would love to live in that house!” (Forget the fact that it was haunted, or that someone was murdered there, or… I might not be able to sleep after, but… “What a great house!”)

A lot of things I watch are for ideas. Futuristic films, or Sci-Fi, or even post apocalyptic movies (those are some of my favourites!) Time travel, or fallout shelters, or sunflower farms… there is a lot of variety to what I watch because mostly I am in it for the details.

sunflower-garden

That was the case with this movie. The first few times I saw it advertised on Netflix, I ignored it. Adam Sandler = comedy = not something I would like. But then I was going through the recently added section, and without seeing the picture, I read the description of the movie: (something like: A cobbler is able to become his clients by wearing their shoes.) Perfect!

So I put the movie on, and for the idea I really enjoyed it. Fourth generation cobbler – what a thought! Imagine a world where we were raised knowing, and being trained, for the exact occupation we would spend our lives doing.

Maybe most people like the excitement of choosing their own careers, picking their own direction, being responsible for their own future… I don’t know. For me, however, I found a lot of peace in that idea. How wonderful it might have been to know exactly who I was, and where I was expected to go, and what I was expected to do, from childhood.

Perhaps I wouldn’t have succeeded there, either – but I imagine I would have been far less anxious about where I was supposed to be going, had I known at 5 what was expected of me. Now I am 40, and I still don’t know what I am supposed to be doing… if only.

 

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Autism: Thoughtful Interactions

A few days ago I went shopping with my husband. As we approached the one mall, in the rain and sleet, I saw a sign that he had missed. “Event today,” at the pet store, it said. It didn’t stand out much, though, as their balloons weren’t floating due to the rain. “Event at the pet store!” I said to him as we walked towards the mall doors. “What?” he responded, and I pointed to the sign.

We walked through the doors, and I was in Heaven! Dogs everywhere! I guess people had brought their purebred dogs to the event to show about the different breeds. They were all in the center of the hallway in exercise pens (except the largest, who were just being held on their leashes.) Of course I had to visit them all (I am very social when it comes to dogs, though I ignored all but one person.)

Thankfully my husband understood this about me, and allowed me to go up and down the hallway saying hello to each individual dog. What a great event!

The one person I did talk to had been the interpreter for a deaf student in my Women in Trades program. Of course, I pet her dogs before, and during the time I talked to her. That made it much easier to talk. “I should have taken the RV Tech course,” I told her.

During our gateway program, the three of us had attended a ‘Shadow day’ together at the main college 1.5 hours drive from home. We spent half the day shadowing the RV Tech course, and all of us were impressed. Afterwards, the interpreter said that if I took that course, she would too – only it was in a different city, and I couldn’t get there every day. I couldn’t afford to commute, even if I could make myself drive it every day, and I couldn’t afford to live apart from my family for ten months. So I declined, much as I thought I would enjoy the course.

The interpreter told me that (the deaf student) said the same thing. She hadn’t done so well in the course she took (which completely surprised me as she was super smart – we thought she would excel at it – apparently the instructor didn’t believe in ‘women in trades,’ which I believe as she was really smart, as I mentioned.)

Too bad.

I ended up taking Residential Construction, and helped build a house as part of the course, since that was offered in my city. I did very well in the course, but… the yelling, and swearing, and weight of the material, and pace – all were far too exhausting for me, and I only worked in that field about 4 weeks total (in two different jobs) after finishing (with honours, no less.) It was too much, and I couldn’t do it any more. In fact, for all of those 4 weeks with the exception of the first day on each job, I was seriously praying to get into an accident, or fall of the truss table, or something to provide an excuse that I wouldn’t have to go back – it was that bad.

ResCon

The thing that impressed all of us about the RV tech course, was how calm everyone was. The pace was much slower, yet they learned so much more (plumbing, electrical, carpentry, even some welding.) Several of the people in the class were even being retrained after they had bad back injuries at their previous jobs in construction – so the weight, pace, and even back issues did not stop them from being able to do the job.

Plus I love small spaces. In my last job at the motel, my favourite place in the entire building was about the size of a small walk in closet. On one side it had a stacking washer and dryer, and the laundry tub. On the other side were all the clean, folded towels for the rooms, and cleaning rags for housekeeping. In the center were two doors – one leading to the guest laundry, and through to the back rooms; the other leading to the motel kitchenette (we provided continental breakfast) and the office.

On my breaks, I would bring in a chair, and sit in that closet with both doors closed – until they took out one door for the sake of ‘efficiency’ and I felt exposed in there.

My point is, had I been able to do it , I really believe I would have really enjoyed the RV Tech course, and I likely would have even very much enjoyed working in that field afterwards. At the very least, I would have learned all the skills I wanted for my home, though on a smaller scale. But I couldn’t get there. Plus my husband liked the idea that as a carpenter, I would have started at the pay scale that a typical journeyman RV Tech would have expected at the end of their apprenticeship.

Well, now I am unable to do either – and as I have said in the past, my dreams nearly always exceed my abilities, so I guess it is just as well. But it would have been nice to have a job I could do, and enjoyed doing.

 

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Autism: Real Desires of my Heart

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours in the afternoon taking multiple career quizzes on a job site. I do this a lot! Although the responses have never matched with who I am (I have no idea what I am doing wrong, as I always answer the questions with complete honesty) I still have hope that one day something will be listed that gives me an “aha!” moment.

True, that has not happened yet, despite the many years I have been taking these quizzes, but maybe someday I will find the quiz that does work for me.

The multiple quizzes I took yesterday were all on the same site – a work site for Alberta, Canada. I don’t live in Alberta (though not far away, either) but I will take anything I can get.

When I got my results, it came up with things like accountant, or statistician, or tax auditor, and other jobs that require strong attention to detail and a lot of time staring at a screen. It isn’t that I am bad with numbers or anything, but that level of detail and focus on a screen leaves me both severely anxious, and exhausted – which leads to depression. Above that, focusing on numbers that long leaves my eyes stinging, and my brain fuzzy – so the focus I enjoy much of the time would still not help me maintain the level of accuracy required for such jobs.

No good.

Just like other quizzes I have taken in the past, which tend to list things like physical therapist, acupuncturist, or such things (when I can’t touch people I don’t know, and hardly touch people I do know, and am unable to work with other people in such a capacity) the list doesn’t in fact reflect who I am.

I suppose that is because there are so many facets to my ability, or disability, that the standard questions don’t take them all into account – which is completely necessary for me. For instance, I have a lot of trouble with pain in my feet, which radiates up my legs and causes back trouble. That and the fact that I am so often exhausted excludes any physical type of work for me.

Then there is the Autism, which includes severe sensory issues (food, touch, smell, loud or repetitive sounds… all out!) My anxiety grows to panic when dealing with people at all – and that includes one on one. Although I can focus, I tend again towards panic and depression when I am expected to maintain a high level of accuracy, or spend a long time focused on something outside of my current interest. I might be able to maintain an accuracy sufficient enough for my employer, but the cost to my mental health is very high for me.

After taking several quizzes and questionnaires, I came to a part of the site which asked me to imagine several scenarios: Imagine money is not an object; or, imagine you had a magic wand, and could make your life anything you wanted… there were several similar ideas followed by the questions: Where are you living? What are you doing? Who is with you?

Of course, I can imagine things – especially if a magic wand is included (which, being a Christian, is not likely a good thing – but I feel so very powerless in life, the longing is hard to shake.)

So I answered:

I am living in a small cabin by a lake and far away from people. I am living with my husband, son, and many pets. We have really good internet service, but in many ways are self sufficient – wood stove, large food garden and fruit trees, well water, etc. I spend my time writing, taking care of my pets and garden, and swimming and kayaking on the lake.

sunflower-garden

I like the idea of that life, for in my mind it feels so calm and quiet, and the very thought leaves my entire body and mind sighing in relief. I want the lifestyle, but… it wouldn’t pay the bills. Writing for income is another recommendation that doesn’t fit me well, for I can’t handle criticism at all! It destroys me. And writing is one of those professions that gets a lot of criticism – which is the reason I have not shown the book I did write (though I do like it) to anyone else.

Also, despite the fact that I try every year, I haven’t got the skills or the energy to grow much food even where I am. Nothing but my imagination can bring me to a place where I consider I might be able to do this – and then, in my mind, I have some type of magic that makes it easier for me. Bad.

So while the exercise was a lot of fun, and for a while in my mind brought me to a place where I found peace and contentment (the real desires of my heart) it didn’t actually help me to live within the reality I have been given.

 

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Autism: Not A Great Chess Player

When I was a teenager, I had a friend who wanted to play chess with me. He taught me how to play, and I would look at the board, and know how each piece was supposed to be moved. I would play the game, and sometimes I would win.

For many years I would look at a chess board with longing, yet did not spend a lot of time playing with other people (or playing alone.) You see, while I could imagine myself thinking through the strategies, and playing the game well, the reality was quite different.

I don’t actually have a mind that can focus, or make logical decisions playing such a game as chess. I have a great mind for imagining, and so I am able to picture myself as a great chess player, very much focused and enjoying a game that I have a good chance of winning – but I have found over the years that isn’t actually who I am.

My mind is so great at imagining that I can frequently bring myself to believe that I would be really good at something, and/or would really enjoy doing something, and I can actually hold that belief until the time when I experience it for real only to fail. At that point, I wonder what went wrong. I was so sure that I would be good at it that it never crossed my mind that I wasn’t built for such things.

There are many things in my life that I can imagine myself to be good at:

  • parenting
  • playing the keyboard
  • crafts such as sewing, knitting, painting
  • gardening
  • farming
  • home renovations
  • woodworking

But the reality is that though I have had years of practice and even training in many of these areas, I am still not at all good at them. I suppose I just wasn’t built that way.

And the thing is, because I can imagine myself to be really good at these things that I feel I would love to do and be, I find it incredibly frustrating, and depressing, to be faced with the reality that this is not who I am.

In fact, the majority of who I have imagined myself to be throughout my life, has turned out to be things I am either not at all talented in, or dislike doing altogether. It leaves me unsure of who I am, or what I would like at all.

Four years ago I took a course in Residential Construction (a foundation course for carpentry apprenticeships.) I did really well in the theory side of the work, and well enough on the practical, that I completed the course top of my class (94% average in a class where nearly half of my classmates failed.) Because my entire immediate family (mom, dad, brothers) were really skilled in this area, I could very much imagine that I would be good in it as well. However, despite my high marks, I was not at all equipped to work in that environment. Under such stress, pressure, and exhausting work, my functioning level dropped to the point where I couldn’t do the work at all.

Had I done well, I would have been at Journeyman level at this point in my life, which I imagine would be a decent place to be.

It is the same with parenting. Throughout my childhood, while I couldn’t relate to any of the children around me, I did love children, and babies, and… I could imagine myself as a great parent with a lot of children. I loved dolls. I wanted children. I even took a 2 years Early Childhood Education course at college and graduated with Dean’s Honours.

I ran a daycare. I home schooled my son. I took and passed an adoption home study, and had three high needs children placed with me for adoption. And… I failed.

The truth was, I could imagine myself as a great parent, but most of the time I was overwhelmed. I could not relate to other parents. I could not relate to the social needs. I was overwhelmed by the behaviours. I was not relaxed. I was not calm. I didn’t even like the world enough to feel confident sending my children out into it.

My concern now is in knowing that my imagination is capable of seeing myself successful and enjoying many different things in life that in reality would not be good for me at all, how could I possibly decide what would truly be good for me?

I thought I could be a good chess player, but I am not. So who am I then?

ResCon

 

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Autism: Searching For Talent

This morning I took a 485 question job quiz, hoping to get some idea of what it is I could do. Everyone has to be good at something, right? When I read the free report at the end, however, even their suggested careers were in the “low” category for compatible matches with who I am. Top of that list was motel clerk – which is the job I had last before being put on disability for the severe anxiety I experienced trying to do that job.

I answered all of the questions honestly. I don’t know what went wrong. Perhaps it is my extreme discomfort working with, meeting with, or talking to other people. Maybe it is the fact that I am very emotional, prone to tears, and can’t handle criticism in any degree. Could it be that my vivid imagination is not matched with any creative talent? Or perhaps that while I both see and feel other people’s pain deeply, I am neither able to respond well or help them in any meaningful way.

Whatever the failure of this test, and the multitude I have taken over the years, I am no closer to finding ‘my place’ in this world than when I began. I simply cannot see what I am good at.

Following this test, I went through a list of quizzes to find my ‘hidden talent.’ Though the questions seemed somewhat ridiculous, I was hoping for an “aha” moment that left me with the thought that “I could do that.” Instead the answers all revolved around creativity – painting and knitting (neither of which I am good at.)

Casting aside the knowledge that I have no talent in creative areas save for my imagination (which for the life of me I cannot extract from my mind in any practical way) a creative job, open to criticism, would leave me severely incapacitated for the shear panic such a job would bring. I would be paralyzed. This is possibly the reason I have never been able to get further in creative pursuits: to improve, you must accept criticism of your work, and I can’t. I do know when my work doesn’t meet expectations, but all I hear from the words that should help is, “failure.” I shut down. I just can’t.

On the opposite end are jobs that require precision, accuracy, detail. While I would find comfort in knowing exactly what was expected of me at all moments, my brain is often… scattered, imprecise, unfocused. I know I would make mistakes, and I would always fear them. I beat myself up over mistakes since I am such a perfectionist, and feel shame over them for years after. Such a job, again, would not be suitable due to my anxiety issues.

Taking their idea of motel clerk, at least I have some experience in that. The thing is, though, that I am very awkward. Not at all good at small talk, or dealing with comments or requests outside of the script I wrote for myself in order to do the job, there are limited options to the places where I would get hired in this area. Namely the places where a motel clerk was also required to be a breakfast attendant, housekeeper, pool attendant, and laundry worker all on the same shift. I didn’t have the energy to keep it up, and it quickly burnt me out. Besides, working with the public is not the best position for one easily scared or hurt.

I did enjoy doing the laundry on that job, and even the housekeeping for the rooms where people had checked out without leaving too much of a mess – but with my back pain, feet and legs prone to severe pain, and low energy, it was not something I could keep up long term (or even continue on the demanding pace required in such places.)

While I love spending time with my pets, and they all like me, most jobs involving animals are not real options for me. Pet sitting is out (though I have done and enjoyed it in the past) because I have too many animals in my home to bring others around, and am not at all comfortable in other people’s houses. Kennel attendants, much like motel clerks, require too much interaction with the public, and too much energy in cleaning the kennels. I am not good at training animals, and not at all able to take biology in order to be a vet or assistant (in fact, I failed grade 9 science not being able to go into the room after the biology students due to the strong smell of formaldehyde.

Then there is the fact that I like plants, and trees, and all growing things. But I have never been one of those people who could keep things growing (some things, okay – like my accidental sunflower garden, or the avocado trees that have been growing in my living room from grocery store seeds, but mostly no.) Add to that the energy and physical issues, and the fact that I have bad allergies throughout the growing season, and I really don’t know how I could use that interest for good.

So once again, though I started out with hope that this time some idea would shine forth as true, I am left once more thinking there is nothing I could do. Sad.

sunflower-garden

 
 

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Autism: Inspirational Day

A couple of days ago while I was on the Realtor website (I go on there a lot) I got… bored looking at the same few houses that might be in our price range where I live. As I mentioned, I go on there a lot, and I keep the search pretty much the same: Freehold property, 2+ bedrooms, 1+ bathrooms, priced up to $275,000.

When we bought our house thirteen years ago, it was the most expensive house we looked at, and over our budget by about $5,000. We put our offer in at a few houses before this one, but they were selling fast at the time. Our house: 3+1 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, fireplace, carport, deck, view, full finished basement, freehold property. We paid about $160,000 and within months had a call from a Realtor asking us to sell as people wanted this neighbourhood specifically. The price then (less than six months later)? $250,000. We didn’t sell, obviously.

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Now, however, I might have six properties come up with my search, and none of them are anywhere near what our house is: 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, 750 square feet, half our yard size, no basement, no carport, most have no fireplace or wood stove, maybe built in the late 40s or early 50s (ours is 1980 and 1149 square feet on each level.)

So the same few houses come up, and the cost is high (we wouldn’t be saving much after Realtor fees, transfer taxes, and all other expenses included in moving) and none of them are quite what I am looking for… not that we are planning on selling, but if we were, I like to be prepared.

I expanded my search. I do that sometimes. The thing is, though, that housing in BC is expensive, and in the entire province there isn’t much available in our price range (pretty bad considering, as I said, our house was the best of all we looked at when we were buying, and we looked at many.) Often if BC doesn’t work, I turn to Ontario – that is where my family lives. Only the hydro prices in Ontario are astronomical, and I know we couldn’t afford to live there, even if (in some areas, not really close to my family) houses might be cheaper.

I would say, “I spent the day…” but I didn’t really, for it was cleaning day, and I was quite busy around this activity – but I was interested, and so did spend a fair bit of time on the activity.

My search was Canada wide. Not that we could move, really – for my husbands family, friends, and life are here. He needs that support, even if I don’t have it so much (that isn’t his fault; I moved here before I met him.) In order to not be overwhelmed with the results, I tightened my search: Freehold (always – I have too many pets to live in a strata, plus the fees are too much) 3+ bedrooms, 2+ bathrooms, garage, fireplace (I would say wood stove, but that isn’t an option), acreage.

I was surprised to see 89 results in Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. I suppose I shouldn’t have been so surprised, but some of those houses were beautiful! Not that I ever considered living in the maritime, but my sister in law has family there (so they have gone there to visit, though in the nearly 17 years I have lived here, they have never come here – even for my wedding.) My younger brother has a friend there, that he (and my mom) have gone to visit a few times. And the housing is cheap… mostly because there isn’t much work there, I assume.

The houses though! All day I kept going back to them. Such inspiration! You see, I really did like my job at the motel, only it was overwhelming, and I couldn’t deal with… the ‘difficult’ people. They would put me into a full panic attack, as would the amount of work I always had to do.

Several of these houses said they would be suitable for a Bed and Breakfast. I couldn’t run a bed and breakfast; I haven’t the personality – but perhaps I would do well with some long term rentals, or something like a very small motel, or… something. There are things I could do, that are even related to work I have done – if only I had the opportunity. But I would have to live where I worked. That is an essential for me.

I really did love the character of many of those houses. I loved the properties, and the space, and some had spectacular views of the ocean.

The entire day, I never made it past $150,000 in price, there were so many houses for less. We could buy there and have a lot left over… of course, we couldn’t move there… there is my husband with his supports, and there is my son, who would lose his disability if he left BC… I couldn’t go, but I can dream, and it really was inspiring to look at those houses.

 

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