Autism: When I Crash

When I am doing something, though I am filled with apprehension that I will ‘get it wrong again,’ frequently I enjoy myself. This is especially true when I am accomplishing something, learning something, or doing something that I feel is worthwhile.

It was true most of the time I was running my daycare – and bye the way, the children and parents were nearly always happy with the care that I provided. With the exception of the times when I was overwhelmed, and so tended to repeat what I was doing for days on end, without changing to something new (such as when I was still running the daycare during our adoption placement visits – too stressful!) I really liked what I did.

I especially liked circle time (stories and action songs,) craft/science/baking time, and the times when the children just wanted to sit with me – even though for the most part, I don’t like people in my space.

When I took my construction courses, my fellow students believed that I was ‘smart’ and would come to me for help. I would explain – especially the theory – in ways that they could understand, when what the instructor had told them confused them. I could do that.

While I learn Spanish, or write stories, or spend time knitting, or… While I am doing these things, I often feel good. It is when I stop that I quickly start to believe I could never do it in the first place.

When I am outside, spending hours working on my garden, with my pets weaving around me, I almost feel like I am in Heaven. It is such a wonderful feeling to be out there doing.

During the time I was working at the motel, I pretty much believed I was good at what I was doing – and this was confirmed by those I worked with and for.

Though the anxiety is extremely high, even while I am doing the activities, my hope, and even my confidence is such that “I can do this” – until I get overwhelmed, that is. And then no amount of ‘positive thinking’ or ‘pushing myself through’ is going to help.

I crash. And when I crash, the exhaustion is all encompassing. It fills my life, and creates a fog in my brain, and tells me “nothing is possible.”

Since in work, and school, and parenting, and… everything else in life we are expected to be consistent, and to keep going, and to “always do our best,” the longer I spend doing something, the more likely I will crash, and the more often I will be seen (and see myself) as a failure.

I might be able to hold it together for a week, a month, a year… and then it is lost. I crash, and everyone who was watching seems disappointed. I think… I think they want me to succeed, and they are watching with hope that I will be able to do this well – but they don’t understand how very exhausting it is for me to ‘hold it together’ for any length of time. And the crash – which always comes – lasts so much longer than any activity that I was trying in the first place.

That is just a fact. Not something I have ever been able to overcome – and in fact, the harder I try to ‘hold it together,’ the less time I actually can, and the longer the crash will be.

And when I crash, I forget. I remember the anxiety, and I remember being overwhelmed, and I remember the crash – but I forget how good it felt to be doing something. I forget that I ever believed I could do anything. I forget that there was ever anything more to me than the crash that brought me to failure, and the disappointment that I see in the eyes of those who were watching; and I am so afraid to try again.

 

Autism: Too Many Words, Not Enough Pictures

I have been crashing today. I knew it was coming, and I have been fighting it, for there was so much to do before life group on Thursday. My heart starts racing, and I get all irritated inside. Every time someone tries to talk to me, I want to scream – it isn’t what they are saying, the words themselves have just become too much.

After a day of painting, I went with my husband to a meeting at our church. Being members, we were expected to be there, but I was already struggling.

Then they started talking, and talking, and talking. I am sure it was important stuff, but between the words on the overhead, and the words being spoken, I just could not pay attention.

Too many words, not enough pictures.

When I start crashing, I need the pictures. The words lose nearly all their meaning, and just frustrate me, like a lot of loud static noise. Typically that is when I turn to Pinterest – or in the past, I would order dozens of books (usually interior decorating, or craft books) from the library, and spend hours pouring over them.

This week I ordered Autism Diet books from the library – but again, most of them were full of words… word, after word, after word, but no pictures. The few that did have pictures in them were of meat, and pasta, and mushrooms, which disgusted me to see, and were hard to get past (did I mention I have trouble with meat and pasta and mushrooms?)

I like reading fiction, and am able to picture the characters in my head. Once I read that we don’t actually see the characters when we are reading, but more feel them. That is not the case for me. I know this from the moments that I misread the words, and the pictures that came into my head…

Like once, I was reading the Hobbit to my son, who was maybe 7 at the time. When describing how Bilbo was looking for a weakness in Smaug, he noticed a part of the dragon’s underparts – only I read underpants… Well, all of a sudden I got a picture in my mind of the dragon wearing white boxers with red hearts all over them. I laughed for hours! I still can’t take Smaug seriously to this day because of that.

More recently, I was reading the Inheritance books by Christopher Paolini. There was a part in one of the books where Eragon straps a small dwarfish blade to his belt – only I read that he strapped a small dwarf to his belt! How I laughed at that picture!!! It actually took me a while to figure out I had read it wrong. I kept shaking my head wondering why the dwarf was strapped to his belt, as I could still very much see it there.

For non-fiction, however, I pretty much need the pictures, as I can’t picture it on my own.

The more I am crashing, the worse this gets, until I get absolutely bored in a meeting I cannot pay attention to – or get angry at my family for trying to talk to me because I can’t handle any more words.

After the meeting, I pushed myself to paint another day. I am glad I did, really I am, but I really can’t handle anymore.

I am anxious, irritated, depressed, angry… and for no reason at all, really – just because someone tried to talk to me?

It seems irrational, I know. I am trying so hard not to show it – as I haven’t the words to explain it out loud at this time, and I know my family would be hurt and confused if I allowed myself to respond.

So I have been on Pinterest most of today, looking at different ways to make vegan cheese and butter, as well as crafts, clothing, and interior design and trying to calm myself down.

Because in these moments, I need the pictures. I haven’t the energy to deal with words.