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Autism: Something to Help

The thing is, I have been super panicky for close to three weeks now.

I keep thinking: if I just get caught up on my blog posts; get the housework done; clean up the yard; get rid of the clutter; find some purpose… then I will calm down.

And I go to do… whatever, and I start of okay, but very quickly grow overwhelmed because, well… I am panicky. So I get a little bit done for the day, and can’t do anymore – which of course feeds my guilt.

So I look around, completely hating myself because other people (all around me) get these things done. And here I am – no job, no children, hardly any social life to speak of – maybe just among the least obligated people I know; and I am so overwhelmed, I am in shut down mode just about all the time.

I have crashed so frequently in the afternoons that my dogs now come to me early every afternoon begging for ‘nap time,’ because… I don’t remember the last time I didn’t go in my room for a nap – and even then the panic won’t let up enough for me to sleep most of the time. And when I have gotten to sleep in the afternoon, I just wake up feeling worse.

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In determination I walk over to my computer, completely convinced that I will get my blog posts written this time. I sit down, and am again overwhelmed by the anxiety, and instead go on a Netflix binge watch – because my mind won’t settle enough to think.

Trying…? Not the best solution to this. The harder I try, the more incompetent I feel, the more I panic. In fact, the panic grows the moment I try – before I have even failed yet.

So I ask myself what it will take to get through it this time.

For this is not the first unexplained severe anxiety episode I have experienced. Sometimes it lasts hours, sometimes it lasts months. While I am in it, my functioning is drastically reduced. I feel… scattered. I worry about my sanity. How long can one person’s mind endure such levels of fear before it breaks?

And I think that the hardest part is, I don’t even know why I am so anxious. I just want it to end.

Feeding into this anxiety is night after night of very vivid dreams in which I am trying to repair some situation in my past – and I wake up not quite oriented to the world I now find myself, saying, “yes, please let me do that.” And day by day the panic grows.

I suppose that since I am so badly effected by all anti-depressant/anti-psychotic/anti-whatever medications – not just with bad side effects, but the fact that they have the opposite effect on me to begin with – that I will just have to endure it. I just wish I could find something that would help.

 

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Autism: Recognizing Myself

Every year for several years at Easter, my church has taken family pictures. “It is the one time of the year everyone is likely to dress up,” my pastor says. It is sort of a tradition, I suppose.

One year – the last one my son came to church with us (his friend moved away, and he felt awkward, and wanted to be invisible, and… stopped coming) I wore a blue, sleeveless spring dress with a black lace like shirt under it. I thought it was nice – until the picture came back. I don’t know what I was thinking. I am not very good at fashion, I suppose. I have never understood it.

So the next year I tried to choose more neutral clothes. The pictures came back, and I was happy with the result.

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The following year I chose similar clothes, but the previous winter I had gained all that weight from the anti-depressants I had tried (30lbs in 12 weeks – I had never weighed so much in my life!) I stopped taking the medications, and tried to exercise and watch my diet, but I never was able to lose that weight.

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I hated that the picture reflected that weight gain, but it was still a nice picture.

Though it has been 1.5 years since I went off that medication, I haven’t been able to lose a pound. Not one! That in spite of a lot of focus on trying to lose that weight.

I haven’t lost any weight, but I haven’t gained any, either. So it really surprised me how much heavier I looked in this year’s picture. Like the one where my clothes were weird, this is a picture I would be ashamed to show.

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Truly, I don’t have any real opinion on weight for other people. In fact, like clothes, I hardly notice at all. I either recognize a person because they look like they’ve always looked to me, or I struggle to recognize them (like when my son lost a huge amount of weight, and shaved his head after having long curly hair most of his life.) because they don’t.

At the same time, if people look at all different – such as famous actors playing different parts – it is extremely difficult for me to know them. Johnny Depp, for instance, always looks like either Captain Jack Sparrow, or Willie Wonka to me. Those are two very distinct characters, yet I can recognize both. Yet he plays a character that comes in at the end of Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them, and while I know it is Johnny Depp playing the part, I can’t see it. I can’t.

So I think, my frustration with this weight gain isn’t about the weight at all. My struggle is that when I look at myself, it doesn’t look like me. When I try the clothes it took me 30+ years to decide were right for me, they don’t fit the same (they don’t fit at all), and when I try to find similar clothes in a larger size, they don’t look like me, either.

I am frustrated about being tried on a medication that made me gain such an extreme amount of weight. I had never weighed so much before in my entire life. I am frustrated that the doctors, and the people who decide the medication is okay to distribute, decided that what I looked like was less important than my mental state – I feel they need to treat the whole person, not make one thing worse to (possibly) make another thing better.

Yet it isn’t so much the pounds I gained, but that in that, I lost myself. After nearly 40 years, I was finally able to look at my picture, or look at myself in the mirror, and think, “that is me.” Before that, whenever I looked, I would think, “Is that really me?” It is sad to be back to that place.

 

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Autism: Insomnia

Though I am not able to take most prescription medications, especially anti-depressants for the side effects they cause me (and the fact they backfire and make me worse) I do happen to be pretty addicted to some OTC medications.

The number one reason for this is that I suffer with insomnia – and I cannot function without sleep. Not even one day. Now I know, after trying it last summer, that my struggles with sleep significantly improve when I eliminate gluten from my diet – but I don’t handle change well, and for me that has proven quite impossible long-term (especially when my husband tends to bring home so much breaded foods; since I can’t often get out shopping, I am left with what he buys.)

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So while during the day I can sometimes make it through, I almost always take something to help me sleep at night.

When I first went to my psychiatrist, she prescribed a sleeping pill that actually did help to begin with. I would take it, and be asleep in 5 minutes. But that 5 minutes turned into 10, then 15, then… she increased the dosage, and it worked for a while – until it didn’t. When she started me on this, it was 1/4 of a tablet. By the time I got to the full (lowest) dose, I was having bad side effects, and it had stopped working.

She tried other things, but none worked – and then there was the $10 pharmacist dispensing fee I would have had to pay before the cost of the medication. Having no drug coverage, I gave up trying, and went back to what I was used to.

For much of the year, I have pretty bad allergies. The scratch test done about 10 years ago confirmed my known allergies to eggs and feathers, with a reaction also to dust and moulds. The most surprising was my grass allergy, which left a large welt along the length of my arm, as I had a severe reaction to every grass they tested. (For reference, my egg allergy, which leaves me wheezing and gasping for breath left a 2mm hive, and the grass allergy was 11mm-14mm for each one.)

Since I can’t avoid grass (the neighbours will grow and mow it) I pretty much live of antihistamines from April through September (or in the case of this year I am still having to take them in January – I must have developed a new, unknown allergy.) So I take a 24 hour non-drowsy pill, which doesn’t quite ‘fix’ everything, and then I take another at night to give it a boost. Benedryl is great for putting me to sleep, and works really well on my allergies as well.

Then there are my stomach issues, which I have had since I was a kid. No matter how I try to change my diet to avoid those things that I know cause me issues, I tend to feel nauseous most of the time. It is very rare that I actually throw up – but I do come very close most days. It is a horrible feeling, and one that will keep me up at night (for it gets worse when I lie down, as many of my issues do) and Gravol has me asleep in 45 minutes (pretty good when my best days without medication take upwards of 2 hours.)

My psychiatrist was very much against me using Gravol at all – she had her reasons which she was going to share with me one day, but I have yet to hear. Apparently she thinks it will make my anxiety worse. That is possible, but I have not noticed that, and I keep a journal every day – I should have seen the pattern by now. Besides, my brother’s doctor told him he should take Gravol to help him sleep. Who do I believe? Well, I try to avoid it, but when my stomach is really upset, I have found nothing better (and probably 90% of the time when I use it, I have a great sleep!)

And then there is the body aches and pains. Since my doctor, with the x-rays, CT scans, blood tests, and more that he has had done, has not been able to figure out why I am always in such pain (aside from a mild amount of arthritis in my back) I am guessing that, as my therapists says, it is because I have an extremely sensitive/raw central nervous system. Regardless of the cause, I am in pain a lot of the time.

My feet ache often, and always if I have been standing/walking/cleaning for any amount of time. That thanks to the club foot I was born with (both feet.) Above that, I am plagued with back aches, and side pain that get really bad at night. I struggle often with headaches, and (TMI, sorry) I have cramps that get really bad for nearly 2 weeks every month.

I have fears about taking too many medications, or mixing medications, so I try to think of what is the most pressing issue of the evening, and choose my ‘sleeping pill’ based on that.

And then there are the nights where I try to be ‘good’ and not take any medications at all – which causes nights like the last in which I got less than 6 hours of sleep. That might work for some people, but I have been a zombie all day. I can’t think. I can’t function. I barely know what I am doing. I have been sitting for so long that I feel numb. I have been staring at the computer screen for so long that my eyes are stinging. I have spent all day researching. “What?” you might ask – cat litter boxes. 8 hours of my life reading and looking at pictures on line of cat litter boxes. A wonderful use of my time!

So there you have another thing that a lack of sleep causes – fixations which I cannot break.

I think tonight I will choose the medication (likely Gravol, for I feel so sick after not getting enough sleep.) Being ‘good’ isn’t always worth it.

 

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Autism: A Year Off Work

It has been a year since I was suddenly taken off of work. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t even expect it. When I had gone in to the psychiatrist, I knew that I would need a lot of help in order to ‘keep going,’ as I had been close to break down for months – and the anxiety was extreme.

Every time I went in to this job that I did well at, this job where I knew I was appreciated, I felt like I was about to face a firing squad. It was bad. And I knew that I couldn’t keep going as things were. I knew that getting a different job would not help, as I had a decent job already. So I hoped the psychiatrist would.

Though I had never had success with anti-depressants, or any such drugs in the past, I thought maybe if she knew of my Autism that she would be able to prescribe something that would work. I was desperate, and so I was willing to try – despite the debilitating side effects I had always got before (and got again on all she tried this time.)

When I was taken off of work, I felt ashamed, and guilty, and… I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to be taken off of work, put on medical EI, put on federal disability. I didn’t ask for this.

In the beginning I fought it – after all, despite my severe anxiety, awkwardness around people, rigidity, sensory issues, food issues, bathroom issues, low energy, back problems… despite all of that, I was a good worker. It wasn’t like they were about to fire me or anything. I did a good job, though it cost me a lot. How could I then go on disability?

For many months this was very hard on me. If only they could find me a job that… I often thought – but they said, “you need to heal.”

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It was hard. Not because I disagreed with them – I had known the truth of their words all of my adult life, and throughout all the jobs I did. I knew they were right. Still there was that expectation. Always that expectation. I am a people pleaser. I don’t like people to be upset with me. I don’t like people judging me. And this? This was big.

A year later, I still feel that expectation – from those I know couldn’t understand what it cost me to be working. I hid it well, but it cost me a lot just the same. I still feel that expectation, and it hurts me. However I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not ready to work again. Maybe someday, maybe never. But what I know is that right now, learning to live is hard enough, and I still haven’t any more to give to the world than I am giving right now.

 

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Autism: Change is Hard

 

What a year. What an incredibly challenging, difficult, painful year. I suppose there is much to be thankful for, but it seems to be drowned out by all that has happened. Although, to be fair, not all that has happened has been negative. It is just… change is hard. Change is so hard.

Six months into 2016, and what has it meant to me? First I was so sick for the first two months, that I couldn’t even sit up. That from withdrawal from a medication that was supposed to take a week to wean off of. I had my last pill two weeks ago, and am still getting shocked. It is only that the past two weeks have been so harsh that I figured now was a good a time as any to suffer the effects.

My psychiatrist and I have come to the conclusion that while it might be a life saver for many, medication is most definitely not for me. Although I had come to this conclusion in the past, I really had hoped that this time it would help. If it helped and lowered my anxiety, maybe I could work. Maybe I could socialize. Maybe I could not fail so much. But no matter what was tried, it didn’t work. It made things worse. Worse anxiety. Worse depression. Strong thoughts of suicide, where in the past while I might not want to live at times, I was more waiting to die, than actually thinking of ways to accomplish that.

The medication also made me really sick. So sick that even if it did help (which it didn’t) it still wouldn’t be worth it.

Well, then came March. For eight years my son hadn’t so much as trimmed his hair. Suddenly he wanted it gone. Gone, gone. So we cut it all off, and he didn’t even look the same anymore. Okay, so it is only hair. And it didn’t really matter. It is just… change.

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Not only did he shave his head, when he used to have ringlets down his back, but he also lost weight. All of his life he was above the 95th percentile for height and weight. He hit the 20lbs mark by his four month ‘birthday.’ Yes, that is months! It wasn’t that he was overweight, just a bit big. He suddenly chose to put himself on a diet, and lost quite a bit. Probably it is a healthy thing, but he looks so different, and… change is hard.

Well, then my grandmother died. That was hard. That was painful. Suddenly, there were no plans for the future – just memories from the past. Suddenly it became too late to go back and visit her. I couldn’t even go back for the funeral, and that caused a lot of pain, too. Above that, there were those 16 years that I missed with her after choosing to move away. Regret. Pain. Change.

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My aunt died a couple of weeks later and I thought, where do the years go? I was thirteen when she married my uncle. Fifteen when she had my cousin. At that point, both of my uncles children from his first marriage were alive – but not now. Cystic Fibrosis took them at 21 and 26 years old. My poor, poor uncle. His wife was only 55. What a sad world.

Then in later April, and early May, I started to settle a bit. I was enjoying trying out new recipes for my gluten free vegan diet. I was worried about this cough my dog had, but we took him to the vets, and he was on medication. Maybe we would need to try different meds to find a solution, but surely he wasn’t going to die! He was only 7. Only 7.

I feel like I’ve paid for those couple of weeks of happiness in the past two. For my dog did die. And everything was broken. And nothing in this world felt right anymore. Even all our routines were… wrong. The world became dark to me, and no amount of sunlight could pierce the shadow.

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So because I had to. You do understand I had to, right? I got another dog. I thought she was a rescue, until just before they dropped her off. A rescue, in need of a home. But she belonged to them, and she loved them, and she doesn’t understand. I don’t understand, either. But we will grieve together, for though this beautiful girl is now mine, I still miss my boy. We will grieve together, and hopefully in time we will heal together. My Clara-bell, and I.

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And while I miss my boy, and she misses her family, neither of us had an option in that. In time, I think this will be a good thing. I love her already, and she will come around. But right now, it is change. And… change is hard.

 

 

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Autism: Insomnia

It used to be that I had trouble getting to sleep, but once I was asleep, I was good until morning. It isn’t that I slept right through, but would fall asleep in seconds for any time I did wake up. For that reason, I had a real hard time with getting up at 5:30am for my morning shifts, or being woken up in the mornings by my husband (or children.)

If I don’t get 8-9 hours of sleep every night, I suffer for it. I was never the type who could stay up to all hours, and then function well during the next day. Even one night with less than perfect sleep causes me a lot of trouble, and that builds each night.

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My son says, “that isn’t how things work,” when I tell him I am behind so many hours of sleep. Like the one week I spent in Vancouver for assessments with my youngest ‘daughter.’ She had been sick that year, and I was traveling to Vancouver a lot. I felt bad for them, especially the middle two with their severe attachment issues, and so I brought them all along.

However, staying in one room at the Easter Seal House was probably not the best thought out plan. I am a light sleeper, and two of my kids didn’t sleep. For the entire week. I could hardly function, and by the end of the week was about 20 hours behind on sleep.

My son would say just one good sleep would make up for that – but not for me! No, I needed the full 20 hours, on top of my regular sleep, which was very hard to do. I think I ended up napping with the children, and going to bed at the same time as them. Thankfully, the three youngest still napped, and had early bedtimes. Still I ended up missing a scheduled appointment the week we came back, and I never miss appointments. I was just too tired.

Even now, when I haven’t children to wake me up, and my husband has learned not to, I still struggle with insomnia that causes me a lot of issues with my functioning ability. I do not do well tired. I never have.

Although medications do cause me side effects, I got about as sick from not sleeping as I did from the medications, and would rather be able to think. So I took the pills. Because I struggle with headaches, stomach issues, and allergies, my go to pills for self-medicating were ibuprofen, Gravol, and Benedryl. Most of the time they helped with both issues (I wouldn’t take them all at once, or combine more than two, but would take whatever I felt I needed most.) Sometimes they backfired.

Then, when I mentioned my insomnia issues to my Psychiatrist, she put me on sedatives in combination with the anti-depressants. She absolutely did not want me on the Gravol (for whatever reason, and discouraged the others as well.) For the first time in my life I think, I fell asleep most nights within 5 minutes, and almost nothing could wake me up. It was great! Until they stopped working that is. When the medication was increased, the side effects became too bad, and still they didn’t work.

Now, as I have just about weaned myself off of my medications, I am once more having a lot of trouble sleeping. Only now, instead of just having trouble getting to sleep, I also frequently have trouble not being able to get back to sleep, which was never an issue before. Most nights I am getting 5-7 hours of broken sleep, and there are far too many nights like last in which I am lucky if I managed 3 hours all together.

I am tired. So tired. And the ibuprofen, Gravol, and Benedryl? Hardly work anymore. I suppose insomnia is a common problem for those of us with Autism, but I also happen to be one of the unfortunate ones who really needs that sleep. I hope a solution can be found soon.

 

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Autism: Failed Plans

When I made the resolution – as I am sure is true for most people – I had every intention of following through. I mean, even the idea of continuing to eat that way was repulsive, and the taste, and… well, there seemed to be no real reason why I should fail. But fail I did.

I don’t even think I made it a couple of weeks. And it isn’t as if I don’t have the will, or the determination, or anything else I required to continue on the path that I had chosen. It certainly wasn’t a decision that I made happily.

No. It came more like a resignation. At that point in my life, that choice was impossible to live out.

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If I had considered all sides, I probably would have known this, and waited. Had I remembered what it feels like in coming off of anti-depressants, and the nausea… I would have understood that my timing was bad.

I could choose to return to veganism (which I lived pretty well for a couple of years) – or – I could wean myself off of my medication. But to do both? Impossible. At least, not something I could do at the same time, which is what I did.

I suppose that is why New Year’s Resolutions are not really a great idea. I mean, it feels really good to have a new start, and maybe it is okay to decide to make some minor changes at this time – but for me, it is all or nothing.

This year, that all or nothing thing meant I was not going to eat any meat or dairy, and I was going to go completely off of my medications. And that all or nothing attitude brought me once more to failure.

It wasn’t failure in the vegan thing because I was craving meat or anything – it is “just” that I was so sick from the reduction in my medication that everything – and I mean everything! That I tried to eat threatened to come back out. It didn’t, but the point is, it felt that way. So the goal, rather than being avoiding foods, was to get anything in that would go in.

And it wasn’t even that the meat made me less nauseous than the vegetables. No, it was more about speed, and the ability (or inability as the case was) to keep the foods in my home. Since I wasn’t able to get out to do any shopping, and since fresh fruits and vegetables take time to wash and prepare, and since my husband and son were already eating meat and potatoes meals… and since I couldn’t get up to cook, or do anything most of the time, I ended up eating with them.

Despite that failure with my diet, I wasn’t even able to completely get off my medications, either. For about six weeks I tried, and as I said, was so sick I couldn’t even get up or eat well. So I had to give in (a little) and settle at a lower dose.

Now, even though I have already failed at these resolutions, I still haven’t given up. I fully intend to stop taking my medications, just as I fully intend to stop eating meat and dairy… it is just going to take longer than I had originally planned.

 

 
 

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Autism: Back to Routine

Finally after many weeks (many months, really, as the medication caused such strong issues even while I was on it) I am starting to feel more like myself. Of course, it has only been a few days, but it is nice to have a routine again. It is wonderful to be up off the couch, and actually doing things again.

In the mornings, I have begun doing yoga. I have to find some way to lose the thirty pounds I gained while on Mirtazapine. Weight is harder to lose than it is to gain, however, so I am trying to alter my diet as well. The thing is, though, that on my own, I have never had trouble with weight. It is only when I am on medication that I gain like this.

Changing my diet has not proven to be easy, however. Food has always been an issue for me. Not that I need the unhealthy foods, I do crave vegetables most of the time, but the fact that so many (even healthy) foods leave me feeling nauseous. This includes water, unfortunately, and no matter how hard I try to make myself drink it, I just can’t.

And then there is the hunger. I don’t do well with hunger, and in that state, cannot think of anything else. So the longest I have been able to hold out on a diet in the last few years has been maybe 5 hours. I will maybe have a fruit smoothie with unsweetened almond milk for breakfast. Then I will try some sort of low calorie drink (this week it has been hot unsweetened lemon water,) with a salad for lunch.

For the salad dressing, I use a little bit of olive oil, mixed with black pepper and tumeric. I even add a few cashews or sunflower seeds to the vegetables to help hold off the hunger. While I am eating, it feels really good, but it doesn’t work. Lunch finishes, and I remain hungry, and I fight it for an hour or so. Then I have to have something to help me feel full. This is where the diet fails.

But it isn’t like I am eating unhealthy the rest of the time. I just can’t seem to lose the weight that was put on by the medication. It is as if it has changed my metabolism, or something. Anyway, though my food issues don’t seem to help with weight loss, the yoga feels good!

Along with yoga, I have finally returned to studying Spanish, reading my Bible, and practicing my keyboard. Pretty good, I think, since not long ago all I could do was lie on the couch watching Netflix all day. I couldn’t even think long enough to enjoy reading or researching (two of my favourite activities.) Now I am even working on learning a new song – where my keyboarding practice for the last six years or so involved playing the same five songs over and over.

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Still, I continue to suffer with shocks every day, and the pressure in my head never seems to go away. I am down to 2.5mg each day of my last medication, and it helps to take that amount daily, rather than the 5mg every second day as I had been advised. My energy continues to be low, and my nausea continues to be high – but at least they are not what they were.

I can sit this way. I can stand this way. I can think this way. I know that it may not seem like a lot of activity for one day – especially since I often complete the yoga, Spanish, and Bible reading in an hour. But for me, for now, it is a lot, and I am thankful for it.

 

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Autism: An Okay Day

 

Something had to be done. It isn’t like I had a choice. My husband is working, and as the only one of us with a job at this time, I couldn’t ask him to take time off. So although I haven’t driven in two months, as I have been so dizzy since his holidays ended (during which time he did all the driving) I had to find some way to ensure I could drive tomorrow.

My son has his first appointment with his psychiatrist in the morning. We have been waiting for this one for six months, and I certainly don’t want him to miss it. But the dizziness and shocks have not worn off, and so I did what I had to do, and took my anti-depressant yesterday (this is the one that is causing all of this sickness while I wean myself off of them.)

I have been taking them every three days, but still the illness has been really bad. This time was only two days apart. A backwards step, which worries me – what if I have to go through that withdrawal all over again? But I have to be able to drive.

So I got up feeling tired around 9am. At 11:30, I started doing yoga (something my counselor suggested a few days ago, to help with sleep issues – but I couldn’t do, as it caused such nausea.) I did that for a full twenty minutes, and then sat outside eating a salad for lunch.

Although it is still early February, we are getting a warm spell. While I was outside, it was just above 8 Celsius. It is supposed to go up to 15 this week, amazingly! (That is about 60 Fahrenheit for those on the imperial system.) Last year, spring began in mid-February also. I guess that has to do with the global climate change, but at this point of the year, I really appreciate it.

It was so nice, and so sunny, that I decided to stay outside and clean up my garden. Considering I have spent about the last 6 weeks lying on my couch in nausea and dizziness, that was quite the accomplishment. During that hour outside, I did not feel particularly dizzy or nauseous, and it felt really good to be out working in the sun.

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I suppose that I will have to take one again tomorrow morning, as I am (in the early part of the afternoon) already starting to feel unwell again. My hope is that it will work for what I am using it for (to ease the nausea and shocking) but I know that afterward, I will have to return to taking them every three days – and after having such an improvement today, I fear it is going to be even harder to do.

Although I could technically keep on taking them every two days, as my psychiatrist suggested at my last appointment, I also know that these pills are the cause of the severe pain in my right side which I was waking up with every night, until I got down to having them three days apart. Even now, I have that back pain every night after I have taken one – so it isn’t really an option.

But for today, it was nice to have a couple of hours off of this illness that has taken over my life, and left me feeling useless and depressed all the time.

 
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Posted by on February 11, 2016 in Autism: Mental Health and Healing

 

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Autism: Drug Free Treatment, Please!

The pain and dizziness continue to the extreme, but I did go in to the doctor this week at the advice of my therapist. I spent several hours Monday at the doctor’s, and getting blood work, x-rays, etc. to find out the cause of all of these issues, and then returned to the doctor on Tuesday.

The good news is that all of my tests came back “very good.” I don’t have any infections or health concerns, but he believes all of this is caused by the antidepressants. I have tried to express in the past how I always get bad side effects from medication, and here I am again.

I knew this when I was started on the pills, but when I shared this concern with psychiatrists in the past, they have never called me back. So I agreed this time… but I regret it now. Though I am very glad to know that I am not really sick, it sure feels that way. It isn’t like any of these symptoms are fake, and the coming off is even worse than the side effects going on (which were bad enough that I couldn’t continue even if I wanted to.)

Now I am sure, however, that if they are going to help me, it has to be drug free. This is too much for me to go through again, and even now that I am off of them, I am afraid of how long it is going to take for me to heal from this. I have already been lying on the couch for a month, and I can’t even think clearly enough to want to do something else.

If that is the treatment for my severe anxiety and depression, I would rather learn to live with those disabilities than to continue on this path.  My husband and I both agree that the best treatment for me seems to be in the way of sensory therapy, and lifestyle accommodations.

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Anyway, I apologize that my writing hasn’t been great lately. When I can’t think, it becomes really hard to write. Hopefully soon my head will clear, and I will be able to share my thoughts once more.

 

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