Tag Archives: autism writing

Autism: Should Have Learned

Today I went back to edit a post I had written a couple of days ago. Thankfully it hadn’t been released yet. Thankfully I had the time (and wisdom) to really think about it before the information was shared. I had even written about how years ago, when we had our `foster` children, I had shared too much in the emails between myself and the ministry (as well as between myself and an online special needs support group I had been a member of.)

I have a tendency to share too much information – it is difficult for me to understand that not everything needs to be shared, even if I know that to be true.

It is difficult for me to leave out details, for how do I know at which point the omission becomes a lie? How do I know what points of what I am sharing are helpful to other people, or what parts I would be condemned for leaving out?

Since people tend to misunderstand what I am saying, doesn’t it make sense that the more details I share, the clearer my message should be? Yet when I share everything, it seems that people misunderstand me more – as if I am sharing all of this information to hide something else, when in fact I am sharing all this information to try to ensure that all information is shared.

They even try to “read between the lines,” when for me, there is nothing between the lines – maybe that is why they seem to respond better to me when I say very little, for then there is nothing more to look for… I really don’t understand it.

I do know that other people don’t share everything – I just don’t know how I could do that for myself. It feels… manipulative and dishonest.

Yet the information that I edited out of my old post were specific details on what behaviours my children were struggling with the summer before our adoption failure – and I realized as I thought about that how it might be hurtful to my children (who still live in this community, though I don’t see them) if those details were shared.

I wrote, when I had my children, because I was trying to get other people to understand, and because I was looking for (unique) suggestions of how we might help our children better. Instead, I apparently overwhelmed those I was writing too, who believed (unfairly) that I was being negative about my children, and really wished we hadn’t tried to adopt them (untrue.) So they ‘helped’ based on how they interpreted my emails, which really was completely off the mark.

I write now because for so many years I felt alone, and as if everything about me was wrong. Then I found out I had Autism (or more specifically, Asperger’s) and thought that by writing this blog, I might help other people to not feel so alone, or that everything was wrong with them, or…

I write to help – but I still share too much, and I wonder… will all of this be taken wrong, too? In trying to reach out, am I actually isolating myself further? I really don’t know the answer to these questions, for as I said, I really don’t understand.

Vacation July 2016 014


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Autism: Frustrating Technology

In the last week or so my computer has been acting up. It randomly freezes to a blank blue or gray screen, and then I can’t do anything with it. I have to shut it down with the power button – which likely exasperates the problem.


It isn’t even like I am using a lot of power or anything. It often shuts down when I am doing something like entering my password to get to the desktop, or reading my email. Sometimes I am not even doing that much. Yesterday it happened several times in a row before the icons saying that my internet was ready had come up. I was just waiting.

Other times I can be doing many things at once – playing Facebook games, while loading a movie, while looking through Pinterest, while I have my written blog open on Open Office waiting to be scheduled – and the computer runs just fine. Still it has happened several times a day for about a week. My son says it is likely a hardware problem – the graphics card or motherboard – and I have to replace my computer. It is incredibly frustrating.

Today I had a bit of trouble, but it had been running well for the afternoon. I decided to write my blog, and was on Open Office just about finished when, “blip,” the screen went gray “No!” I cried. I mean, the thoughts just flow as I am writing. It isn’t as if I could remember what was there. Sure, I remember the topic, but I couldn’t possibly word it the same – and I thought I was writing particularly well today.

I fully intended (because this happened a few days ago, though I had only written a paragraph then) to save it every paragraph or so. Once I get into my writing zone, however, all other thoughts go out of my mind, and I just write. So I prayed it had an automatic save feature and would still be there when I recovered it. Of course, it wasn’t.

So now I have turned to paper and pencil (because pens run out of ink, and I can’t deal with more frustration at the moment) as I should have been doing since this began. If this happens again when I am transferring it to my blog, at least I will still have the words.

Technology is not my friend!

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Posted by on November 21, 2016 in Experiences of an Autistic


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Autism: Handwriting

While I am desiring to write about positive experiences, growth, healing, and blessings, my reality is very different. It isn’t so much that really bad things are happening all of the time, but more that, in my own experience, I am near continuously in the midst of a strong internal battle that makes things seem, perhaps, worse than they appear from the outside.

I will write about this, but I wanted to make a really strong effort to share something positive about my life. Sometimes all I have is a brief moment in time, and in one of those moments, I took this picture.


When my son was young and homeschooling, I used these books with him to teach him cursive writing, or penmanship. He hated it. So many tears over such a small exercise, but the activity really did hurt him. His hands, it seems, just weren’t built for this. He struggled with fine motor control, was severely frustrated and bored with repetition, and overall, it was one of his most dreaded lessons. He quickly moved from these books to the computer, where he was much more comfortable. His typing speed is around 80 words/minute with high accuracy at this time, but the lessons served their purpose. When he has to he can write very well – but it still hurts, and still takes him a very long time.

For me, however, I prefer writing by hand. I can type well, and maybe have a speed between 40-50 words per minute. My accuracy is good, and it isn’t like it hurts me or anything. It just… doesn’t feel the same. When I need to think, I do best writing things down. When I write things down, I connect best with what I have written on paper. So the reason I prefer writing by hand, rather than typing has just about everything to do with the way my brain is wired.

I connect better with the written word than to the spoken work, and in fact for many things (especially praying) am still unable to connect well my thoughts to what is coming out of my mouth. So people talk to me, and I write back. If I speak, I am often tormented for days, even years after. I need to write my response. If people are praying in a group, I remain silent – praying in my head within the silences, but not out loud. It isn’t that I am against praying out loud, it is just that I can’t. I know that both of these issues look bad, but what can I say? How can I explain? I have Autism. My brain is just wired that way.

When my words are spoken out loud, it is always for the benefit of the people I am with. So then I am not actually praying to God in that moment, but almost to the people I am with. It feels wrong, but when I am silent (and this is likely not true, since I have explained to pretty much all of these people about my disability, and my struggle with the connections in praying out loud) I worry that others believe it says something about my faith. It doesn’t.

Not only do I only speak for the benefit of other people, but the connections are still not at all good. I have been working on this for 30-40 years, and still it isn’t a natural thing for me to talk. Words do come out, it is just that I am unable to think well – not nearly to the depth that I exist within my mind. So the words that come out are often not what I meant. The words come out wrong, and awkward, and I often fear they offend people when that is not what I meant at all.

What is more, people take these wrong words that I have spoken, and try to read into them, which kind of ends up like the game “telephone,” where the message received in the end is nowhere near what I started out saying. And then I end up in trouble for something I really wasn’t saying to begin with.

For all of these reasons, I prefer to write. Since it is not ‘normal’ it often isn’t received well, and since I write every detail of what I am thinking (so as not to be misunderstood, or dishonest) I am told that I overwhelm people with my writing – and at 40, communication – though others who know me seem to think I do okay now – is as difficult for me as it was when I was a child.

I love to write, and am often complimented on my handwriting. Even so, when I looked for a routine this fall, and came across these books, I decided that I would work on my handwriting. This has turned out to be one of the most soothing parts of my routine. It isn’t new. It is pretty much how I was taught to write, so long ago. It isn’t difficult. As I said, my handwriting was good to begin with. All I do is take the letter, and take the words, and copy them – over and over.

Much like my writing, I love this. I can do this. I am confident in this. And maybe I am not growing, much (though I have found I am more conscious in forming my letters when writing) with this activity, but mentally it calms me. Sometimes that is all I need.


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Autism: Letters to God

This is not something I often share. In fact, it is one of those things that I would be ashamed if someone came across and read on their own. It is something I have been doing for many years in one form or another. A compulsion of mine that is difficult to explain. A habit that I have, many times, tried to break, without success.

I write to God.

More I should say, I turn to God seeking answers to questions that I have. I write out my prayers. I write out my questions. And then I write whatever comes to mind in response. Since I am much more of a writer than a speaker, this is only natural that I write to God. The habit I am trying to break is in… forcing?? the answers.

Summer 2015 011

While I do believe that people can hear from God, I admit that most of the time, these answers come from myself. At even more difficult times, the answers come as an attack I can only imagine must be from outside of myself – but not from God. However, every once in a while (maybe a couple of times a year, or less) the answers are so filled with love and understanding (and this is not how I reflect on myself most of the time) that I feel they must in some part come from God.

Two nights ago, I had another compulsion to write. This one I had been fighting for about a week. It got so… loud!… that I finally gave in and allowed it. Unlike most other times, I came without questions, or ideas, or… all those other things that flood my mind.

I prayed that God would speak to me, and then quietly listened. This is what I wrote in response:

“Daughter. God has known you from the foundation of the world. All of your hopes, dreams, fears, and failures. He knows where you are going, and all of where you have been. There is no part of you that is hidden from God.

“Broken. Stupid. Idiot. Failure. Evil. Worthless… These are words you use to describe yourself, and words others have used to label you. These are not how God sees you. You are a child of God. ‘Forgiven. Redeemed. Saved. Beloved.’

“God chose you. Remember this when you are being attacked by the enemy. God chose you. Of all the people that ever lived before you, and all those who live now until the end of the age, God looked over all of them, and claimed you for his own.

“Therefore you can be certain that God has a plan for you, and that God… yes, God himself, will carry you safely home.

“Go in peace and confidence, therefore, for every moment of every day for all of eternity you belong to him: The creator and sustainer of the world. A beloved daughter of the King of kings and LORD of lords – and you are worth so very much to him.”

The words so full of love, and peace, and comfort, that I feel they only could have come from God. And so I share them, for I am certain these words are not for me alone, in the hopes that others may feel the wonderful love and acceptance of my Father in Heaven.

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Posted by on September 2, 2016 in Faith Walk


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Autism: Expressing Myself

Though I am pretty sure this isn’t the best method of communication with those close to me, it sure does seem to help. I wish I could say that I was good at explaining things with my husband, and that he understood me well, but that isn’t the case.

I struggle to talk, even to him. I struggle to form the words, even when I know what I want to say. I struggle to say what I want in a way that doesn’t become offensive to him, for that is never what I want to do. I struggle with communication, even though I really want him to know me.

It must have been a couple of months ago now when my husband brought up my blog, and said, “I guess we should talk about it.” Only, I guess I answered even that wrong when I replied, “I struggle to talk, writing is so much easier,” for he never brought it up again. What I meant was that I was thankful he was reading my blog, because I couldn’t talk well. I definitely wanted him to comment…

Easter 2016

I always seem to answer wrong. Talking is still so hard for me.

But I know he is reading, and I am certain that because of that, he knows me so much better than he ever did – then again, I suppose because of this, complete strangers even know me better than he used to, maybe. I am okay with that, I think. I think if I share who I am, with all of my struggles and insecurities, maybe it will help other people – and that has been probably the one consistent desire I have had in my life, though I have failed to meet it so often…

Anyway, this week he took me to see a play. It was a comedy, which as I have previously mentioned, I don’t really ‘get,’ but it was nice to be out with him, and I did enjoy that time. After the play, he took me for a short walk along the river, before taking me for a… okay, when I say ‘drink,’ I never mean alcoholic – and we didn’t go for coffee, because I can’t drink that either. Well, I didn’t get a ‘drink’ as I explained in a previous post – but I really enjoyed that time he spent with me.

He hasn’t done that in a very long time.

Then later this week, he took me to another play. This one not a comedy. In fact, it nearly left me in tears (my favourite kind!) and was amazingly well done. I can’t even express how good the acting was, just… amazing. (Okay, I said I wasn’t good with words!)

When we were first married, he use to take me out like this all the time, but though we have gone to plays since, and though we have gone for walks since, and though we have even gone out for ‘drinks’ since, I do not believe we have been out this much together since before the kids were placed with us not three years into our marriage.

And I am loving that he is spending such time with me – even, and maybe especially because, I know he is tired from his work and other activities, and would like to be home resting. And the only thing that is different, is that I wrote a post on ‘Love Languages.’ So maybe while I am writing, and trying to give what I can to others, maybe writing this blog is helping me, too.


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Autism: My Writing Obsession

To begin with, I need to have a blue pen. Black just won’t do, and if I am writing with a black pen, I will be annoyed whenever I look at it.

I may type for my blog – there really isn’t much choice there – but when it comes to my writing fixation, nothing other than paper and pen will do.


It is hard to explain my fixation on writing. It is a very vulnerable truth about me, and it causes me stress to share it, but I will share it just the same.

More than journaling. More than putting my thoughts on paper. More than expressing what is inside of me to other people. Writing for me is an obsession – and possibly not quite a sane one.

You see, I am full of questions. All the time. I am a detail person, and need those details in order to find calm – but details aren’t always easy to obtain… especially around people who simply take things as they come, and move slowly and thoughtfully through change.

And so I write. I write down my questions. I write down my prayers, thoughts, ideas, and then I wait. I wait, and I listen, and the answers come. They come in thoughts, not words. I don’t hear voices… well, once when I was alone in my house I heard a man’s voice call my name quietly… “Jennifer”… calmly. Right beside my ear, the voice came, but there was no one there. It terrified me. But I have never heard voices before or since.

No. My answers come in thoughts, and I write them down, as if they came from God – but I know they don’t come from God, or they would always be true.

When I find the answers to the questions I have written weren’t accurate, I get frustrated, and think I won’t ever do that again. So for a while, I write just my prayers and thoughts, and not the answers. But it doesn’t calm me the same way, and always I return. Maybe a few hours, or even a couple of weeks later, but I always return to writing the answers to my own questions, and for a while I find calm.

It is a compulsion, I know. I am a detailed person, and if I can’t get those details from life, I find them inside myself. Even if they aren’t true, they do calm me… for a while.


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